“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”– 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; NIV

When a child falls and hurts itself, it begins to cry to make its parents or others around it aware that it feels hurt. The natural reaction is to comfort that child. The mother might blow on the wound or the dad puts a bandage on, they touch the child gently and say comforting words to show that they understand the pain or shock.

Often it is not even pain, but only the experience or shock (e.g. of falling) that makes the child cry. After the initial comforting and assessment of the injury, it can perhaps be helpful to distract the child from the mishap and the child can continue playing.

How we can comfort a child

As mentioned, the pain might not even be so bad. For the child it is important that its feelings are validated as opposed to being ignored or even denied. To do this, it can be wise to ask questions rather than to make statements.

It is not the best approach to say something like: “O, nothing happened, just get up,” or, “It doesn’t hurt,” or, “Don’t be a sissy”. Instead, try asking: “O, did you fall down?” or “Is it OK now?” or “Tell me what happened?” Then listen and say something like: “Poor you! I hope it is better now. How about we look what the other children are doing over there.”

Feelings are important for our self image

Our feelings are an important part of our self image, and if those feeling are dismissed as not true or invalid, it can cause not only frustration but perhaps the feeling that we are not allowed to feel at all. When others acknowledge the feeling though, it is easier to work through the feeling because we are cared for and feel seen and heard. This strengthens us and assures us that we are worthy and that someone cares, so we feel safe.

Adults hurt too

Adults experience hurt as well. Often it is not about physical pain, but interactions, frustrations and hurt feelings. However, we usually don’t cry out, though it actually is normal and even healthy to cry and show tears. Tears do have a function.

Still, whether with or without tears, we like to let others know when we are hurting. This can happen in many ways, whether we are aware about it or not, through a sigh, rolling of eyes, using four-letter-words, or lamenting and complaining, or just being in a mood.

It feels good then if others acknowledge the feelings we have. How beautiful when a best friend is there and can say: “Wow, that must have hurt.” Or, “I hate when that happens” and listens even when they cannot change the situation.

We don’t need others to fix all our problems, we need others to see us in our pain, comfort us and encourage us without judging and blaming. This helps us to grow and accept ourselves even with all our human flaws and disappointments.

In addition, as children of God we can trust God with our sorrows, disappointments and hurts. He is there 24/7. He’s got our number. He gets us as a loving father who is accessible and able to strengthen you and others.

Christ says in Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV): “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Hurting blocks the rational brain

Feeling any kind of pain, whether physical or emotional, blocks our rational capacities for a moment. Instead instinct reacts with fight or flight circuits. That is why others are so important in that moment when they acknowledge that it may have hurt, but then put it into perspective as well.

They can help us and prevent us from reacting inappropriate e.g. by saying: “Don’t answer that e-mail now. Sleep on it first.”

I found a quote from Taylor Swift that I find fitting: “If somebody hurts you, it’s OK to cry a river: Just remember to build a bridge and get over it.” It can be so beautiful having a friend help you build that bridge.

The bridge does not deny that the river is there, that there was hurt, but it makes it possible to move on and remember that we are not alone. Think of all the great songs that express this experience of getting “a little help from a friend”. They remind us that friends are there, no matter what.

The art of comforting

To comfort others effectively is a gift in itself. It is a service of love as it gives somebody what is needed in that moment. We can communicate understanding, compassion, literally meaning passion (suffering) and com (together), and, once the first shock is over, moving forward with the assurance: “Don’t worry. ‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright.”

Jesus was a master in comforting, as he was the master of love. He had the divine ability to feel with others, and to let them know that their pain is real, but also to lead them into a new direction, letting them see possibilities and options. He even promised that he would send the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to his followers after his ascension so that they would not be left alone.

Finding comfort in God’s promises

The Holy Spirit is active in and among Christians. In the Apostles’ Creed, the third article is about the Holy Spirit.

I believe in the Holy Spirit; the holy worldwide Church, the Communion of Saints; the forgiveness of sins; the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting. Amen.

The Holy Spirit creates a community of believers (the church), so that we are not alone, but have others around us to remind us of the love of God.

It is in community that God works on what hurts us, overcoming what separates us from God and neighbour (which in Church language is called “sin”, both how we may have hurt God and others and how others have hurt us) through forgiveness (that is the bridge that is needed), and it even comforts us about death, the worry about our own and the death of a loved one, as it promises us resurrection and eternal life.

That is why Christ could say in the Beatitudes: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4, NIV)

As part of the church, believers are both in need of comfort themselves, but also able to comfort others with the same comfort they receive. That is what Paul expressed in the verse from 2 Corinthians I quoted at the beginning.

Through God the Holy Spirit the community of saints, that is, the believers, become a community, the church, much like a huge family. We are called to be there for each other, to comfort each other and to support each other. In that it is a community of love, a love that expresses itself in caring for and validating each other.

• Karsten Decker is a German theologian with a double degree equivalent to an MTheol and MDiv. He studied in Marburg (Germany), Knoxville (USA), and Toronto (Canada) and comes from a united church of Lutheran and Reformed Churches. He was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary United Methodist Church in Smith’s