We are social, relational beings. We need other people around us and with some we have particular close relationships, like in our family or love relationships.

The people around us mean something to us. We realise that in particular when we lose someone. When a friend or family member has died, we grieve the loss. Grief can be very different from person to person, as it is very individual.

While there are different stages in the grief process, that does not mean that all grief follows a certain script. Alan Wolfert, a leading grief expert, emphasising the importance of distinguishing between the internal experience of grief and the external expression of mourning.

He has dispelled several misconceptions about grief and underlines the importance of social support and self-compassion. Grief, as personal it is, is also a social phenomenon. We need other people around us to work through our grief.

At the end of the Church year, in November, Christians traditionally remember our loved ones that have gone before us. With the shorter days and less colour and light around us, it seems fitting to allow our emotions to be there.

Grief is an emotion, or to be exact, it is a conglomerate of emotions. One part of it is sadness. We are just sad that we can no longer relate with the deceased, will not hear her voice, see his smile, or share our story with them. It can even be painful and tears run.

Other grief emotions may be anger. We may be angry with God, that he took that person from us, or the doctors or nurses for not saving them. In cases of accidents we may be angry with the other party, blame them for what has happened. We might even be angry with ourselves, that we missed something, did not use the time wisely, said or did not say something.

Guilt is an emotion that is closely related to anger. It kind of is internalised anger, anger about ourselves, what we think we should have done or should not have done. More important than the mistakes of the past though is how we live in the present times and prepare for the future. In that respect guilt can be a wasted emotion if it does not create the volition for change.

It is clear, grief can be very ambivalent. No relationship is without issues or problems. There will eventually be conflict in every relationship, family or friendship. That is normal.

When those problems were never dealt with or spoken about, negative emotions can built up while we live together, and then death of one party can be felt even as a relief or joy. Same is true when death brings an end to suffering of the person. It can be a relief that the suffering is over.

When a person we knew well, respected or even loved is gone, we might become more thoughtful as well. What is life, what is death, and how are they related.

I recall that I learnt in Biology that all living things have to die. The life span of all living things is limited, whether it is a few hours or a thousand years. At some point, life comes to an end.

That is why species have offspring, new generations come forth and in thus life continues. But what about us? We are not just a body. We are body, mind and soul. What about our thoughts, our experiences, our feelings and character?

If our thinking and emotion, our mind and soul are purely bodily functions, when they depend on the matter of our brain and supply of hormones, then there is nothing left from us when we die.

For a couple of years people may remember us or tell anecdotes, but when the last one who knew us is gone, that memory will be gone as well. There might be some historic knowledge about certain public figures that made it into history books, but the true memory is gone. One may know about them, like Queen Victoria, but there is no first hand memory of her left.

The alternative to nothing is life after death. People of all times have formed beliefs about the dead. The experience of death might have been the beginning of religion.

All cultures have their ideas about life after death. Some believe in reincarnation, that the soul may wonder to a new generation, either of the same species or even be reborn for example as an animal.

Other religions, and Christianity is one of them, have the idea of eternal life, that only the body passes away, but that the soul is eternal and will be resurrected in a special place. Christianity has a very specific promise for all who believe: God will have a place for us, the heavenly Jerusalem, where there is life abundantly, no more pain and no more death.

We believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected from the grave to affirm us in our belief that God is a God of the living, that the Creator has a plan not only for the time in this world, but for eternity.

Eternity is a huge thought. I wonder whether we will ever be able to grasp that idea. We have a promise that we will be with God, with the source of life and love itself. All we have to do to be part of this is trust in God and his promise.

We can believe that our loved ones are with this God right now. Not because they were without fault, but by grace alone. God might confront each and every one of us with what we did in life.

Christians call that God’s judgment day, we might see our entire life pass in front of us like in a fast-forward video, all the stations of our life, hear our words and thoughts, and might feel pretty guilty at that point, but the promise is that God’s grace is still greater than our shortcomings. Christ will stand up for us and take us into Heaven.

What a promise! Think about it. Wouldn’t that be a reason to make life before death count in a new way, to set new goals and standards for our daily life, because God wants to be our friend, even more, our father?

We will not be without sin, but we can actually try to show our gratitude towards God by fulfilling his greatest commandment (Mt 22:37 and 39): “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind … and love your neighbour as yourself.” We may realise that we are blessed to bless others, to pass it on. Why are we so afraid about everything?

With that in mind, we can allow our grief to be felt in all its forms, and express it by actually mourning. We don’t have to hide our grief, our emotions, but can share them with the people around us.

We can be sad that we are separated from our loved ones, but at the same time rejoice that they are with our Lord and God, and nothing, not even death, can separate them or us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus.

• Karsten Decker is a German theologian with a double degree equivalent to an MTheol and MDiv. He studied in Marburg (Germany), Knoxville (USA), and Toronto (Canada) and comes from a united church of Lutheran and Reformed Churches. He was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary United Methodist Church in Smith’s