“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”— Jesus Christ (John 13:34-35; ESV)

The need to be included in groups is a strength, it is primal. It begins even at birth. We are born into a community, a family. Babies need others who care for them, and in fact we never totally lose that need. We need it to thrive and enjoy more wellbeing.

Our mind might trick us at times by telling us that we might be better off by ourselves. We don’t really feel like being a part of something bigger than ourselves and think we would rather be independent. Our modern culture may tell us that others are just ballast, holding us back or even taking from us.

This might have its root in prior experiences, situations when we did not fit in totally, maybe at school, growing up, or in a job setting. Those experiences can be very hurtful, and one might think I am better off not even trying, so I won’t get hurt again.

While individualism is at a peak in our society right now, it is not a totally new phenomenon. Already in biblical times there were people who did not fit in, who were left out by the rest of society. Think of the tax collectors in the New Testament. They were hated by the people for collaborating with the Romans, and pressing money out of them when they wanted to enter or leave a town. Thus they did not fit in.

Luke 19:1-10 tells the story of Zacchaeus the tax collector, who in addition was of small stature. When Jesus came to his town the other people did not let him through and because of his “vertical challenge” he could not see anything. So he climbed a tree on the road side to see Jesus, and when Christ came, Christ overcame the isolation Zacchaeus was in. He called him by name and requested to visit him in his home and have a meal together.

So many young people today will tell you they feel really worried that no one really likes them, that they are just not able to fit in and “belong” to a group of others. Others seem to have it so easy, they make the team, are popular, get invited to parties, but not them.

For some of them this experience can go into adulthood. Maybe their feelings were dismissed or minimised by parents or others, or nobody ever shared with them that they are unique and worthy of love and connection and that they can actually have good friends, a living partner (if that’s on their heart) or be a good friend to others or a caring parent or relative themselves on day.

Learning to accept who God made us to be can be very healing. It can help us to truly “be ourselves, as everyone else is taken”, and like who we are.

Accepting and celebrating that each one of us is one-of-a-kind person with the desire to want to learn new ways of being. We can be asking God to help us, to call us to “come down from our lonely tree” and have community with us, to find ways to overcome obstacles and to enable us to connect with more ease with others.

Imagine how that would change all our lives. We can accept that it can be hard for some of us to trust ourselves to choose a small act of connection, as a new daily habit. We can make a difference in this world, especially in these times of deep disconnection and division.

You might ask how you can develop the capacity for forming the relationship with others. How can one overcome the isolation? How may others notice me and start to like me?

How about trying some new strategies this week? Pick a couple of these little suggestions (from the book Re-Regulated, by Anna Runkle) to let others know that you care about them.

• Stand outside your house and give an easy hello to the next person who passes by.

• Get on social media (if you use it) and “like” ten friends’ posts, just to help them feel someone cares.

• If you see it’s a friend’s birthday, write them a note.

• When you pass someone on the sidewalk or in a public place, give them a warm smile.

• If a friend tells you about something they’re excited about or struggling with (for example, a new pet or a dreaded doctor’s visit), take an interest. Listen and ask questions. By paying attention you show you care.

• With that same friend, follow up with a text or a call the next day: “Just wondering how it went at the doctor”, or, “I was thinking of you and your puppy and hoping his first night went well.”

Express gratitude to the people who are working to help you, such as grocery checkers, receptionists, teachers, and food servers. Let them know you appreciate their kindness and help.

Be extra patient on the phone with customer service workers. If there’s a mistake or misunderstanding, instead of showing frustration, reassure them that it’s OK and work with them to solve the problem.

Studies show that kids in school who greet the other kids on the corridors with friendliness, giving compliments when noticing little things, and giving high fives, become more liked by others, or even become popular. The same can be true at work, or in other group settings.

It was one of the characteristics of Jesus that he noticed people, even those who were on the margins, people who were overlooked by others, or outright excluded.

He talked with lepers, prostitutes and people who were lame, blind, deaf or otherwise outsiders, sick or challenged. Being noticed and taken seriously had a healing effect on them. It changed them and gave them a new beginning.

It made people realise that God still loved them, and that they are loveable. To quote Whitney Houston: “No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity.”

Our neighbours to the west will celebrate their Thanksgiving next week. It is one of the most important family holidays in the United States. It is a great opportunity to stop in our busy lives for a day and think about all the blessings, all the good that is given to us.

In US history it was about surviving a first, cold winter, being helped by the people of the land. Today it is a day of connecting with others and sharing a notion of gratitude.

Just like Christmas, which is just a month away, it can help us to overcome isolation and reach out to others. Maybe send a card this year to those who have somehow “vanished” from your life, reconnect over the gap of misunderstanding, and reach out to those who we may have hurt.

• Karsten Decker was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary United Methodist Church in Smith’s