T<$z$>he sand felt damp and cold on his back. He tried to move, to sit up, but a blinding headache and nausea prevented him. He opened his eyes searching wildly for anything that would give him his bearings. The pounding surf told him that he was on a South Shore beach but he didn’t know which one.

This wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened. It wasn’t even the first time this month. Waking up and not knowing where he was or how he got there was becoming more and more of a problem. He had been living rough for about a year, drinking heavily, and not really believing the truth. This wasn’t the life he was supposed to have.

He looked directly up at the sky and blinked to get his focus. The full moon was high in the sky and the stars were plentiful. As a child he had been fascinated with the stars. Growing up on Serpentine Road, he had spent countless hours with his cousins lying on the grass looking at the night sky. He had dreamed of being an astronaut, visiting the stars that captivated him and more importantly making his Mama proud. “Jimmy”, she used to say, “you’re my star and someday you’ll have a chance to shine”. And he always believed he would.

He closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to look at the stars anymore. Somehow he felt that they’d let him down.

He remembered earlier that evening walking down Front Street. The night had been cold and he had turned up his coat collar and had put his hands in the pockets of his oversized pants. He had spent most of the day working Front Street hitting up tourists for change. Saying he wanted to buy a coffee when really he was saving it until he had enough to buy some rum. Now he had enough and was heading down the street to meet up with his mates in the parking lot. It was Christmas Eve and he’d planned to make the most of it.

It was getting dark when he reached the liquor store. The Christmas lights were already on and traffic was light. He quickly entered the store, selected his rum, and headed for the cash register. After paying the cashier with small change from his day’s takings, he headed across the street.

Reaching his destination, he opened the bottle and took a long hard drink. He could feel that rum burning as it went down his throat and his eyes watered. None of his friends were there yet. He took another drink and sat on the wall.

He looked at the Supermarket across the street. As a boy he had packed bags there. Back in the days when he still thought he was going somewhere, he worked hard to save for college and his future. He remembered hustling faster than the other kids, ensuring that he made the most tips by working the fastest and being smart about whose bags he packed. Some people were known for tipping big and Jimmy was always there for them.

Now laying on the beach, he tried to remember the rest of his evening. His mates had come and they’d talked and drank well into the night. He remembered arguing over who would have the last drink but not much after that. Running his fingers through the cool sand, he reflected on his life.

He had always prided himself on his memory. Even now he could clearly remember so much of his former life. During his fourth year in high school, shortly before Christmas, he and Mama moved into a two bedroom apartment in Paget. It was the first time in his life that he had his own bedroom. It was small but comfortable and he was pleased that it gave him his privacy. After all, he was almost a man now. That Christmas, they purchased a small Christmas tree and he could smell the fresh pine scents as they decorated the tree in their crowded living room. As they hung the Christmas balls, he looked at his reflection in them and thought of how he would someday buy a big house for Mama to thank her for what she had sacrificed for him.

After they were finished, Mama gave him a small box wrapped in red Christmas paper. He still remembered it exactly. Jimmy excitedly ripped off the paper and opened the box. Inside was a small, shiny gold star. He held it up to the Christmas tree and watched the light dance off it as he twisted it between his fingers.

“Thanks Mama” he said.

“Always keep it close” she replied. “It will remind you of who you are and where you are going”. And Jimmy did keep it close, he kept it in his pocket every day at school and at night he placed it on the wooden dresser in his bedroom.

It all seemed like such a long time ago now. He rolled onto his side and the cold feel of the sand on his face sent a chill through his body. Slowly opening his eyes again he could now almost see his surroundings in the moonlight. Maybe this was Elbow Beach.

He wondered what had happened to that small star that he had received for Christmas so long ago. Moving to the new apartment had brought things that he had never anticipated. He made friends with some older boys in the neighbourhood who had introduced him to drugs.

Soon nothing mattered except those drugs and before he knew it he had spent all his college money feeding his habit. His drug conviction put an end to his college dreams. It had nearly killed Mama when he was arrested. In his head, he could still hear her crying in her bedroom.

He hadn’t seen her in years now. Not because of her but because of him. She’d come to visit him at Casemates several times when he was first locked up but he had refused to see her. He was embarrassed for himself but mostly for her. His mother shouldn’t have to visit her son in jail. She had done everything for him and he had failed her.

When he was released from prison he found his own apartment and for years had drifted from job to job. He could never keep a job because he was haunted by dreams of the future he’d never have. Finally last year, he’d given up entirely and taken to living on the streets.

He jerked to attention as the first wave started to creep up his ankle. The tide was coming in. He had forgotten how cold the water could get in December. As the waves began to roll over his feet he considered just staying there. No one would miss him. He had loved swimming as a boy and he found the thought almost comforting.

Wet now almost to his thighs, he could suddenly feel a sharp object digging into his skin in his pants pocket. Wrestling with the fabric, he reached in with an unsteady hand. His fingers felt something small and hard and as soon as he grasped it in the palm of his hand, he knew instantly what it was. Continued on Page 15He quickly pulled it out of his pocket and held it up where he could see it. It was the star, his star, the one Mama gave him. Tears came to his eyes and he wiped them away with his free hand. How could the star possibly be in his pocket? He hadn’t seen it since he was a boy. Could someone have put it in there during the last couple of hours? This had to be a sign. A sign that things would be alright.

Suddenly, remembering how he got to this beach was less important. Really, he’d spent his whole life getting here and what was more important was where he went next. With water now lapping up to his waist, he hoped he could actually move. Rolling on to all fours he carefully stood up in the surf. He staggered out of the water fighting the urge to sit down. If he didn’t get out of here now, he never would.

The sun was coming up as he made his way up Elbow Beach. He knew that he could turn this around. His head was still spinning from too much drinking the night before, but he was thinking more clearly now than he had in a long time. He would never have the future he dreamed of as a child, but he could still have a life he was proud of. His star would help him find the way.

With a half smile on his face and still grasping the star tightly in his hand, he remembered Mama saying that he would someday have the chance to shine. Today was that day.