Snakes, baby alligators, .22 calibre revolvers...and er, sex toys.

Anything goes, it seems, for air passengers with a secret cargo -- but NEVER into Bermuda, of course.

Well, hardly ever.

And, as for sex toys, where's the harm? Nothing illegal in them, we trust.

To Bermuda's Customs officers life at the Airport may have its quiet moments.

But when you never know what lurks around the corner -- or inside the next suitcase or carrier bag -- it can certainly hot up.

One moment the root of excitement could be a fresh carrot; the next a Christmas tree. Or it could be a tortoise shell high on the scales of interest.

"Yes, it can be exciting at times -- a bit like a Policeman's life really,'' confesses Richard Amos, a Customs officer for almost eight years.

"Long periods of boredom and then suddenly all hell breaks loose.'' Mr. Amos recounts a more hellish moment, one which still provides a rare buzz.

While a rookie, Mr. Amos' curiosity was piqued by a "zzzz...zzzz...zzzz'' coming from a traveller's luggage. It sounded like an electric razor had been left on.

When the man offered his case for inspection, the mystery was solved...but at a terrible personal price: a sex toy tumbled out on to the bench, causing eyes to turn and faces to blush.

"What made it even worse was I didn't know how to turn the infernal device off!'' Mr. Amos laughs.

"It was really embarrassing and goes to show how tactful you have to be when you come across items like these.

"You should try not to take them out of the bags. People, after all, do have feelings.'' He adds: "As Customs officers we don't have any problem with sex toys. They are perfectly acceptable, although some are sold with an accompanying video tape which may be illegal.'' Another occasion which wrote itself into Bermuda Customs folklore, and newspaper headlines, occurred last February.

A female Customs officer had a few slippery moments when she delved into a returning resident's luggage -- and found a snake.

The non-venomous ball python, which suffocates its prey, failed to charm either the officer or Government. For a permit is required to import any animal to Bermuda, and a special licence is needed for endangered species like ball pythons.

It turned out the man had brought the snake in as a gift for his girlfriend.

"Goodness knows what goes through some people's minds. I suppose it's considered a particularly macho thing to bring in a threatening animal,'' says Mr. Amos.

"Animals are invariably dead when people try to bring them in. The odd exception is alive.'' The ball python was no exception.

At the time, Collector of Customs Gerry Ardis told The Royal Gazette a Customs officer at the Airport was opening a piece of checked luggage when the returning resident warned her: "Watch yourself, there's a snake in there.'' The officer had a brief look, then quickly zipped up the bag and contacted the Department of Agriculture and Fisheries, Mr. Ardis added.

Mr. Ardis said it was the first time he could remember somebody trying to sneak a snake through Customs.

"We do get a broad variety of things coming in, from fresh carrots to Christmas trees and tortoise shells.'' The memory of diseased Christmas trees being seized and condemned remains vivid to Mr. Ardis.

Standing out for Mr. Amos is the time when a man was caught with a .22 calibre revolver.

Asked why he brought in the weapon, the American's reply would have sent shivers through tourism chiefs fighting to repair Bermuda's crime-damaged image.

"He said he intended to rent a boat because he was afraid of pirates,'' recalls Mr. Amos.

"Maybe in some Indonesian areas there are problems like these, but surely not in Bermuda.'' Mr. Amos says the revolver was turned over to Police.

"I don't believe charges were pressed. I think the man was given a stern warning and allowed to pass on his way.'' To Mr. Amos, one of the intriguing phenomena is how people react to being caught out by Customs.

"When you are doing something wrong, the body has a habit of taking control.

"I've known people faint when you get close to the truth while questioning them. All the blood rushes to the muscles and people flop over on the floor.

They are poleaxed.

"An alternative response is to run -- we often get that. I know a Customs officer once opened a suitcase and found half a pound of marijuana.

"The man ran out the door and we caught him by the Airport road. A few people have jumped over into the water.

"One man had drugs in the lining of his coat. He jumped overboard trying to dispose of it, but we caught up with him.'' And then there are the steamier moments.

"You get members of the Mile High Club. They come giggling and happy with themselves, wearing no underwear. They deliberately bend over, hoping you will see them.'' The baring antics are enough to send temperatures soaring at the Airport -- even when the rest of Bermuda shivers during the chillier months.

Mr. Amos muses: "We certainly see a great cross-section of humanity.'' GERRY ADRIS -- Bermuda's Collector of Customs remembers when a Customs officer at the Airport was opening a piece of checked luggage when the returning resident warned her: "Watch yourself, there's a snake in there.''