Doing the school run the other day, the radio news reported a shooting and murder. My five-year-old son asked me, “Mummy, why would they do that?” Entirely too late to just lower the volume and pretend I didn’t hear, I had to try to answer.I speculated that if a person feels that they have no choices and nothing to look forward to in life, then it might feel like nothing matters, not even being alive. In that state of mind, they could feel there is nothing to lose and so consequences might seem unimportant — whether that’s the pain and sadness of others, or even the loss of their own future and freedom if they have to spend their lives in jail.The conversation made me incredibly sad, thinking of someone feeling so removed they would take such drastic action.It is not within my field to offer conjecture on how the situation arises that could lead one to lose sight of choice, or hope, possibility or passion but we are all aware there is a great deal of pain and suffering in the world and so it is not hard to imagine.But the question is, why do some people rise above their pain to become positive role models and a success story, while others succumb to it and become the subjects of a tragic news story?Psychologist Martin Seligman, of the University of Pennsylvania, theorises that whether someone is optimistic or pessimistic in their way of thinking can be a determining factor.In his 1990 book, ‘Learned Optimism’, Seligman offers three patterns of belief that can contribute to feelings of helplessness, giving up, or thinking that there is nothing we can do to change our negative situation. These are to do with permanence, pervasiveness and thinking it’s personal.Optimistic people, who are cited as being higher achievers and having better overall health, tend to look at problems as more temporary states. However, when we start to feel that our problem is permanent, ‘the way it is and how it will be forever …” we can feel overwhelmed, out of control, and like there’s nothing we can do to change it (albeit only because nothing we have done until now has worked). This way of viewing our problems makes us feel not only helpless but hopeless.The ancient proverb, “This too shall pass”, with origins seeming to span a multitude of cultures and languages might be a good motto here as reminder that nothing, in fact, is permanent.If we perceive our problems or negative challenges to be pervasive, ie encompassing our whole lives or beings, then it’s no wonder we feel helpless and without choice.Optimists will compartmentalise issues. They will recognise they may have a deficit or have had a setback in one area of life, which can be worked on, but not let it pervade or detract from the rest of their success.A pessimist will allow themselves to believe that a particular negative experience somehow informs the rest of their experience. For example, they slip up on their diet and eat a plate of French fries, suddenly they are “a failure, who can’t do anything right” and, if you throw in a little permanence, “doomed to be overweight forever and never achieve anything”. Just because we might mess up in one area doesn’t mean we are ‘messed up’. We must work to manage our feelings of self-worth, keep our actions in perspective and not allow single negative actions to define us.If we take our problems personally, and assume that things are going wrong for us because we are somehow wrong, or flawed, or useless or destined to fail because of who or what we are, and we blame ourselves for external events, we are left feeling hopeless and helpless.This pessimistic thinking works against us when good things happen too. When things do go right, well then “it’s only luck or something someone else did”.Optimists, conversely, will blame bad events on causes outside of themselves and are quick to internalise the positive events.In summary, the pessimist tends to assume some kind of blame for their bad situation (personal), and view their problem as ‘the way it is’ because it always has been and always will be (permanent) and feel they have no hope for achieving anything because they’re doomed to that situation (pervasive). The optimist's outlook on failure sounds more like: "I happened to be in an unfortunate situation (not personal), but it is only a temporary setback (not permanent) for just this one goal, out of many (not pervasive)."It is possible to imagine the difference such contrasting approaches can make when facing issues and challenges, and how the first could lead to real unhappiness and desperation. The good news is that, according to Seligman, being more optimistic is something we can learn. In doing so we can reignite our hope, our sense of control over our experiences, our passion and value for our future.With a more optimistic viewpoint, we feel more capable of setting goals and creating a vision of the things we want to be, have and achieve. That compelling future will serve as motivation and guide when things get tough. The resulting new empowering belief that “we have control over our own lives through the choices we make and actions we take”, is one that will drive us towards our future successes.So while I was desperate in that brief conversation to impress upon my boy ideas like, ‘no matter what, there is always a choice in how we decide to behave or react’, and that life is valuable etc … perhaps I should start by simply helping him learn to be an optimist and make some lemonade.Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner. For further information telephone 705-7488 or visit www.juliapittcoaching.com.