The average woman in a caregiving role will lose 11 years of her working life leaving her with insufficient retirement assets for her own elderly years, estimated at a monetary loss of compensation and benefits in the range between $500,000 to $700,000. Although women are more likely to act as caregivers, a UK study found that the economic losses experienced by men who provide more than 10 hours of care weekly are equally serious.

In a ground-breaking forum held this week, these financial issues and many others related to longevity and ageing concerns in our society were addressed at the Caregiver Symposium sponsored by the Bermuda Council on the Ageing executive director Marian Sherratt, last Tuesday.

According to Claudette Fleming, executive director of Age Concern, one of the expert panellists, there are more than 6,000 elderly residents in Bermuda and that number is growing. The two-hour lunch session, featuring three panellist professionals in caregiving and financial planning professions (two age concern trailblazers from Canada, Mrs. Fleming and myself from Bermuda) was enthusiastically attended by more than 110 interested attendees, caregivers, families and those receiving care. We are a concerned society beginning to understand the ultimate cost for caring for those who have cared for us.

Caregivers are primarily women. This role exacts a serious toll for most of us (many of the attendees had first-hand experience) for many reasons, physical, emotional, and financial.

Working life is a challenge every day

• Juggling work and home here in Bermuda — almost every resident family has two working partners.

• Single parents are often holding down two or more jobs to make ends meet and to stay ahead of inflation.

• No time to seek out career opportunities, less chance for increased compensation and bonuses.

• Inadequate pensions and social insurance contributions.

• Statistically, caregivers may be late arrivers and early departures from work positions and have to spend more time on personal caregiver related phone calls.

• Caregivers are often stressed and use health plans more often.

• Job demands and competing issues at home may necessitate forced absences leading to feelings of isolation and depression.

• Caregivers are more prone to work-related difficulties.

Family caregivers and family finances. Not only is a caregiver's job sometimes placed in jeopardy, but so is his/her self-esteem, family relationships and future financial security. The guilt caused by having to do the right thing versus something for you is a never-ending burden. It has an effect on personal relationships with partners, spouses, children, estranged siblings and others, often leaving residual family damage for years.

How many have had first-hand experience in seeing a caregiver receive the short straw after the funeral is over where the estate is conveyed to others who did not participate in expending love, time, energy and money for their ageing relatives? How many have experienced envy if caregiver receives more in estate settlement, or indifference or shunning by less bounteous recipient relatives? These situations occur far more often than we realise.

Here are a few of the composite case scenarios (all circumstances have been altered to protect confidentiality) that I have seen over the years practicing in the United States and Bermuda.

One

• Parent — Dad is very elderly with great longevity in family.

• Refuses to give up purse strings to elderly daughter.

• Hires a caregiver who "becomes" Dad's girlfriend and he gives her cheques to buy special gifts.

• She hires her boyfriend who is "maintenance man", then gets Dad to invite them to stay in the house rent free.

• Maintenance Man overcharges for repairs — Dad is doling out cheques freely to everyone.

• Primary caregiver is elder daughter, not in best shape herself, high blood pressure, never knows what will be going on when she gets home from work.

• Dad is abusive to daughter, refuses to discuss will or estate planning, daughter needs to get a power of attorney, cannot afford to petition court.

• Primary caregiver daughter is afraid of the maintenance man.

Two

• Spouse quits job to take care of husband dying of cancer and six months later, he passes.

• At the reading of his will, she is waiting to hear that the home that they have owned jointly is now hers, but surprise, surprise.

• House title is joint with his mother and Mom-in-law never conveyed her interest to her son totally.

• The title reverts to mother-in-law who asks her to move out.

• They have been married 40 years. She is 60 years old with few marketable skills. What are her chances for a quality retirement?

Three

• She has been made redundant and spouse (second marriage) is very ill. She takes the separation settlement and uses it to stay at home and care for him.

• Spouse has stated that he will not leave the house (in his name only), his life insurance or pension to her — in fact, he won't discuss estate planning at all. Yet, his only daughter and beneficiary seldom visits.

• She is guilt ridden and grief stricken, completely torn apart over choosing to leave with her redundancy settlement intact or doing the right thing by caring until the end. What are her chances of gainful employment after this is over?

Money — it always comes down to the money. This is the long-term effect of a caregiver's sacrifice. Even the situation at a loved one's final passing can be a quagmire of legal, estate and divisive family financial battles. Unfortunately, too, once caregiving is over, the giver is often unable to catch up.

With appropriate planning ahead of time, these times can be good times, not devastating family events. Financial planning is an absolute must, and it need not be done with a professional planner. Careful appropriate planning where everyone in the family plays the part that they are able to do, requires meetings, and co-operation from all parties, including the input of the mature parent or relative who almost always does want to treat everyone fairly.

I often advocate using the approach of an informal written family contract. The family structures a caregiver contract that specifically spells out all duties for all involved. Some are far more skilled in caregiving, while others can provide financial support, maintenance, adult respite relief, baby-sitting and so on. Family discussion should also involve the distribution of assets and updating of wills, power of attorney, trusts if appropriate and so on. Spelling it all out, making copies and using it an informal foundation going forward means no surprises, no 'hurt' feelings, no anger over exclusions.

1. Everyone knows what to expect and who will receive what.

2. Everyone knows their financial, physical obligations, mental and emotional obligations

3. These conversations need to take place early on — when everyone is fully cognizant of the decisions being made.

4. Caregivers should not leave their careers, arranging for a temporary absence — or even a stipend collected from the rest of the family to augment lost income. Remember the cost of a nursing home may have to be borne by everyone instead?

5. Never walk away from your own health insurance and group life plan, arrange to pay for it on a temporary basis — if you must switch to part-time.

6. The primary caregiver must learn to be a little selfish. It may mean the difference between bare survival in your own old age or a decent quality of life.

7. Arrange for every resource you can! Families with limited resources need to use agency help available, as the caregiver cannot afford to impoverish herself. There are many services available at Age Concern and they are advocating for more. Find out what they are, and decide now with the rest of your family to make a caregiving plan!

Martha Harris Myron CPA -NH1929, CFP® -67184 (US licences) TEP — Society of Trust and Estate Practitioners. She is a Senior Wealth Manager at Argus Financial Limited, specialising in comprehensive financial solutions and investment advisory services for individual private clients and their families, business owners, endowments and trusts. DirectLine: 294-5709. Confidential e-mail can be directed to mmyron@argusfinancial.bm The article expresses the opinion of the author alone. Under no circumstances is the content of this article to be taken as specific individual investment advice, nor as a recommendation to buy/sell any investment product. The Editor of the Royal Gazette has final right of approval over headlines, content, and length/brevity of article.