When it comes to domestic abuse minding your own business could cost someone their life.

That is the message from new Women's Resource Centre (WRC) executive director Kathy Harriott who said too often the problem stays at home as so-called loved ones stay silent as victims are regularly attacked.

"That needs to change. And also there is that sense of 'normalcy' about it. You hear "Yeh, that goes on in that house'."

Although the Police are unable to press charges if the victim is unwilling, even the act of getting Police to come can serve as a deterrent said Ms Harriott. "And you may save a life.

"And if they Police do appear they are going to suggest the Women's Resource Centre for counselling, that may be the thing that gets them in the door. It may be the one step that helps them."

Calls to the charity's hotline have soared by 31 percent this year.

Ms Harriott attributes that rise to successful awareness campaign which has helped the WRC financially but has also added to the case load to the point where staff are at saturation point dealing with 30 cases a week.

But there are many reasons why women don't seek help — including the fear factor. "The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. She is more likely to be killed at that point."

The social pressure to be in a couple and even religious beliefs can also stigmatise a women who might want to make the break.

Not having the income to live on their own is another factor which can force woman to endure domestic abuse, even though there's a shelter with 15 emergency places for women who make the first step.

And despite the pressure to remain with an abuser it's never the right choice, said Ms Harriott who has worked at the WRC for seven years starting as a counsellor.

"Domestic violence will generally get worse, it will increase in severity and frequency. And we frequently see women who are not ready to leave, we try to help them develop a safety plan so if they are going to stay there they are going to be safe."

But woman who think they can manage the problem long-term by changing their own behaviour are doomed to failure.

"That is one of the distorted beliefs — the woman often thinks 'If I get it right I won't be assaulted — if I don't argue, or clean the house the right way or have dinner ready it won't happen'. But the victim is not to blame, it is the perpetrator, only they can control it.

"The longer you leave it, the more helplessness sets in and distorted beliefs about your own ability to take care of yourself and manage your life."

Treatment plans involve boosting self esteem, helping with getting work and education.

Cases last a maximum of six months but must then be referred on although some clients only need a few sessions.

In the last few years there has been a rise in people with eating disorders which is picked up when women arrive with other issues.

"Eating disorders are often about trying to take control."

Domestic violence might seem like an intractable problem but Ms Harriott said a recent trip to a Caribbean conference showed how some countries were more proactive.

"In the Bahamas there's a group called Men Can Stop Rape." The group works with school boys encouraging them to have healthy views about women.

"Yes, change is possible but I don't think we are going to end it in my lifetime. We need possibly more men's groups speaking out.

"Peer pressure has a lot to do with it — if men are saying this isn't right it might help the movement to end violence."

A men's hotline has been around for two years, managed by reformed batterers, to dole out advice for those wanting to follow suit.

The WRC also offers a parenting programme on raising of children up to 12 which an help heal potentially at risk families as well as those who just want to improve how they handle things.

Starting this week the WRC is running a programme for parents of adolescents.

But ending the cycle of abuse is fraught with difficulties. Often abusers have been abused as children, physically, sexually or psychologically.

"It doesn't mean you will grow up to be an abuser but the potential is certainly there."

And violent perpetrators have a way of finding people they can turn into victims — often those who had suffered abuse in their childhood and were anxious to find new attachments to fill an emotional void.

"It is like trying to heal childhood wounds with the present day relationship. But they can't be healed that way."

An abuser will take the time to snare his intended victim.

"You don't hit a woman the first time you meet her. First there is a testing time to see what will be allowed."

A classic warning sign is a man who meets a potential mate and then calls her 20 times the next day.

"It looks like 'Wow, he's really interested in me. He wants to know what I am doing.' But that is the beginning of the control.

"These are often very quick relationships, the blossom very quickly but they soon start to become overwhelming."

EVENTS

This month is Domestic Violence Month — a symbolic 'take back the night' march on October 26 will see woman head from Front Street to Crow Lane at rush hour and there is also a Girls' Night In fundraiser to be shared with a Cancer charity at the WRC on October 19.

IMPORTANT NUMBERS

Men's hotline: 232 1293

Women's Resource Centre: 295 3882

WRC Hotline: 295 7273.