PARIS Hilton is free at last, yet the world remains captive. Like an especially nefarious earwig, she has burrowed deep into the public's consciousness and won't come out.Paris — one name suffices, like Pele or God — clearly stands at the centre of human affairs. We know that because Al Gore, who believes he should occupy that territory, recently complained that "the planet is in distress and all of the attention is on Paris Hilton. We have to ask ourselves what is going on here?"

A good question, though one without an easy answer.

Paris is neither fleet of tongue nor brisk of brain, despite her assertion to Barbara Walters during a jailhouse phone call that she's no longer "superficial" and that her longstanding position as one of the world's preeminent ditzes was all "an act."

Let's hope so. Leafing through her book, "Confessions of an Heiress," makes it clear she isn't heir to any intellectual fortune.

"Never have only one cell phone when you can have many," she advises, along with "Don't wear a dress that's in all the magazines" and "Always have a tan." She salutes her dog, parents, friends and "everyone else who knows I love them -- I'm blanking on their names."

Banality this pure cannot be faked.

Trailer Trash

While her landmark performance in that homemade video suggests a certain mastery of craft, Paris excels not in the theater, recording studio or even on the runway, where she would hardly stand out from the other skinny blondes.

So what explains her vast notoriety?

It may be that some people admire her because she's everything they aren't -- rich, thin, blond, well-connected -- while others despise her for the same reasons. Still others may simply enjoy watching someone so privileged act like trailer trash.

Whatever the case, she is on our minds much more than Aristotle, Einstein and most of our relatives.

We know everything about her, including the most minute details of her recent incarceration: the premature emancipation, what she was reading, that she supposedly had stopped looking in the mirror and that she was having a hard time getting by without proper moisturizing creams.

Oprah

According to published reports, Paris now plans to "make a difference" in the world, perhaps by joining the battles against breast cancer and multiple sclerosis. Her good works will no doubt make headlines, augmented by regular visits to the court of Oprah for bestowment of medal badges.

So prepare for more Paris headlines, Paris photos and Paris communiques on the state of the world. She might have changed in prison, though her post-release summoning of hair-extension and cosmetic specialists suggests that vanity may still be part of her daily makeup.

No matter, the world remains addicted. Far more people will continue to follow her trials and tribulations than those of Gore's melting glaciers. Sorry Al, it's Paris's world and we all just live in it.

(Dave Shiflett is a critic for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.)

--Editors: Warner (jjb/smw).

To contact the editor responsible for this story: Manuela Hoelterhoff in New York at +1-212-617-3486 or mhoelterhoffbloomberg.net.

-0- Jun/28/2007 04:06 GMT