We are meant to be connected with others in love. Already in Genesis 2:18, God said: “It is not good for man to be alone.“ We are created to live in community with others.

In Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV), Jesus says: “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’” What that means is, our relationship as unique individuals with our creator is important, and the relationship with others is equally important.

Unfortunately there is an epidemic of loneliness at all stages of life, among children, teenagers, adults and the elderly, and the pandemic made it even worse.

We got conditioned to withdraw, to isolate and to fear social interaction. So-called social media are not really a substitute for personal interaction. In Great Britain, 68 per cent of the population suffer from loneliness and the government introduced a cabinet minister for loneliness.

Family is the germ cell of society

There is a reason why we are born into a family. Humans have the longest development outside the mother. Most animals only need months to grow up, some might need a year or two. Our bodies grow for about 18 years and the brain grows and develops for 25 years after birth.

Brain specialists say the last part to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex right behind the forehead where we make wise and informed decisions.

When youngsters and young adults sometimes seem impulsive, let’s try to be understanding, the brain is just not there yet. Even after that age (and actually long beyond) we still need others to help us feel whole and to make wise decisions.

Loving parents and caring teachers don’t expect young people to know everything, but to be willing to learn and to take advice. Proverbs 19:20 (ESV) says: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.”

Parents make mistakes too

Parents and family are very important in order to become happy and healthy adults. What a blessing when that takes place and families are healthy. Being a father myself, I have often thought that though I sometimes get things wrong, I always act with love. Often we just copy what our parents did, and in the most stressful moments with the children, we might do or say even those things we swore we would never do or say. It takes some conscious decisions to learn new tactics in parenting. There is help out there and there is no shame in asking for advice.

It takes a village

While family is important, an African proverb says: “It takes a village to raise a child.” That does not mean to leave it to the village, but that as a society we share this immense responsibility, and we all can look out for the wellbeing and health of our children. This includes what we expose our children to.

There are beautiful movies and stories and music that can help teach values like friendship and loyalty. Think of the Toy Story movies, or Ice Age and pay attention so that video games and song lyrics our children get exposed to are age appropriate.

Children naturally widen their circles of relationships. Beside the immediate family, there is the extended family, with relatives like grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins. Then there are friends we can choose ourselves, school classes that expose us to new ideas and values from classmates and teachers, clubs who share similar interests, co-workers including supervisors and subordinates, we learn to co-operate with, and maybe a faith community that guides us to find wisdom in those circles of life.

It is not always easy to navigate those relationships, and at times we might have to make tough decisions to leave the one or other behind.

Good questions to ask are: do they share my values and do I want to share their values? What can I learn from these people and what can I contribute? Am I valued for who I am by them? Are the needs of all of us met here? There has to be a fine balance of respect for others in the group and respect for myself.

Choose healthy relationships

Healthy relationships, whether with individuals or groups, are win-win relationships where the love for neighbour is reciprocal, true for neighbour and self. This is a kind of love that sees the needs of others and self, and helps.

One does not necessarily have to like the others. The verb “like” is the same as the adjective (it is a very versatile word). We like those who are like us. We like people who share our opinions, who share our taste and our preferences.

Love is different. Love in the biblical sense means to value and respect the other one, even in their differences, just as you value and respect yourself.

Their needs are as important as ours, not more important and not less, which leads us to be supportive and helpful.

William Shakespeare put it this way: “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become and still gently allows you to grow.”

Not all relationships are healthy relationships

While I want this to be a positive column, I want to mention something very important. There are unhealthy relationships as well. In unhealthy relationships, one side outweighs the other and exploits the relationship. There is no balance, there is no true respect and one side is not valued. That is abusive.

To stay in such an abusive relationship has nothing to do with God’s commandment to love your neighbour. Unfortunately, abuse can happen in any of the previously mentioned groups: family, friends, school, work, club or even church.

It can display itself in verbal, emotional, sexual, or physical exploitation and abuse, or it can show itself in neglect. Let me be clear: abusive relationships are unhealthy and nobody should stay in them. Get out, not tomorrow, but today.

If children are involved, report it. To much hurt has happened in unhealthy abusive relationships or groups, and hurt people hurt people.

Churches are among those who have been criticised for cases of abuse in the past. It is horrible that they happened and even greater damage is done when the reports are not followed up in the right way. Don’t try to protect the façade of the family, church or other organisation! Protect victims of abuse by reporting (and leaving) the perpetrator.

Healthy relationships are worthy relationships

Abuse does not deny the usefulness of our relationships and groups. Abuse is not the norm, but the exception. We still need to seek healthy relationships. Children need to play with real children, face to face, for healthy emotional and physical development, and to develop friendships with other children.

We need to learn again that the person in front of us is much more important and interesting than any online post.

Life is life communication, face to face, best with the phone turned off for a while, and a conscious decision to replace FOMO (fear of missing out) with JOMO (joy of missing out).

• Karsten Decker is a German theologian with a double degree equivalent to an MTheol and MDiv. He studied in Marburg (Germany), Knoxville (USA), and Toronto (Canada) and comes from a united church of Lutheran and Reformed Churches. He was the pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Bermuda from 2010 to 2017, and after returning from Germany is now the temporary pulpit supply at Centenary Untied Methodist Church in Smith’s