Dear Annie: My granddaughter, “Ingrid,” is 21 and has been living in and out of her home since she was 17. Ingrid sometimes stays with us until she can work herself back into her parents’ good graces. The last time was for six weeks. While in our home, Ingrid seldom talks, comes and goes as she pleases, and if we say anything about her behaviour, she argues until we get sick of it.There are no drugs or alcohol involved. Ingrid just wants to do things her way with no concern for others. She certainly does not know how to communicate with her parents. I know Ingrid will be coming back here soon. Our home is her last resort. Do I tell her how little she has been a part of the family, how many mistakes she has made and that her behaviour is not acceptable? Should I say she is no longer welcome here? She doesn’t have enough money to live on her own, and I’m afraid if we force her to fend for herself, she’ll live in her car.

Her parents’ marriage was not good when Ingrid was growing up, and I’ve always had compassion for this girl. I want the family to work on this together, but her parents don’t feel the problem is their fault. I worry that Ingrid will just sink lower and lower. Can you help? — Grandma RoseDear Grandma:>Counselling doesn’t mean someone is at fault. It’s a way to work on problems. Don’t lecture Ingrid about past mistakes. Instead, tell her you know she has the potential to be independent, self-reliant and successful. Offer to help her find a job and an apartment. (If she already has a job, she should be paying you rent.) Encourage her to take classes at a community college where she can better herself and take advantage of the counselling services. We think Ingrid will come around. Don’t give up on her.

Dear Annie: I can sympathise with “Losing it in North Carolina,” who found out about his wife’s sexual past. Like him, my wife swore there was only one guy before me (that was 25 years of marriage ago). Last year, I found out there were at least five others. I felt duped into marriage, but I have grown to accept that these things happened before we met. We’ve talked a lot in the past year, and I think our relationship is better now.The problem is, I can’t stop asking my wife about the details. I spend lots of time thinking of questions regarding her past. Not only does she not want to discuss any of this, she gets very angry whenever I bring it up. I told her this is my way of trying to come to grips with it. Is it OK to keep asking her about these details, or should I try to find some way to erase my memory? <\m> Lost in VirginB>Dear Lost: Let’s get one thing straight. You were not “duped” into marriage. Your wife’s previous sexual life does not change the person you fell in love with. Second, stop asking for details. It’s masochistic. We understand this is hard for you, and we commend you for trying to put the past behind you, but you need to talk to a professional so you can sort through your feelings and truly forgi

Dear Annie: My husband just brought a notice home from work, wishing us a happy holiday season and giving us a gift certificate for the purchase of food. It also suggested donating the certificate to a food pantry in the company’s name. The certificate is for $10.Annie, my husband has NEVER worked fewer than 50 hours a week. This is not a hard-pressed company. When a rich company abuses its hardworking employees, throws them scraps, then asks for them back, what kind of holiday spirit is that? <\m> Exhausted in WisconsinDear Wisconsin: Sounds like the holiday spirit of Scrooge. Still, there are others less fortunate than you. Since the certificate is for an amount you consider negligible, donating it would be an act of kindness.