Steps to SuccessHave you ever had one of those thwarted, unsatisfactory conversations, when you come away feeling frustrated, ignored or questioning your ability to say anything interesting?I had one recently. I was telling a story that I was eager to share, but my friend kept interrupting with questions and comments about irrelevant details. By the end I was fed up, and couldn’t be bothered to finish. Moments later, he was chatting to me but suddenly said: “What are you looking at?”“Nothing,” I replied. I had been listening, picturing the events of his tale, but must have given the impression I was staring off into space, uninterested.Not communication at its best.Last week’s article looked at the importance of asking just right questions. But, there is no point asking these questions if we’re not listening (or even appear not to be) at an equally high level when we get the response. Ideas can end up lost, the speaker feeling unheard, and the listener missing out.From the speaker’s viewpoint, the feeling of really being ‘heard’ is powerful. I find there is a sense of wholeness, completeness and certainty that comes when we feel truly listened to. I have a coach, and for me it is one of the greatest benefits of coaching, being listened to, without interruption and without agenda, just supportive, active listening.It can be a rare thing to be listened to in such a way. In typical discussions, most of us have ideas we want to share, and particularly advice we want to give.Even in the best meaning way, we are usually so busy thinking about what we are going to say next, and when we are going to jump in to say it, to truly hear what the other person is saying right now. We tend to finish each others’ sentences and talk over people: “yeah, I know, tell me about it … I hear ya!”But, do we? We might think we’re listening, but if we’re checking our watches, got an eye on the television, listening from behind a newspaper or computer screen, preoccupied with our input or ideas, busy filling any pauses or silences, hurrying people along to speak … we are probably not listening well.People are aware when they are not being listened to well. If we notice, even at a subconscious level, that those we are speaking to are not engaged with us, it knocks our confidence. It can throw us off our train of thought and muddle our thinking, we get distracted, lose words, flounder in the conversation and feel like we’ve failed to communicate.Nancy Kline, author of ‘Time to Think: listening to ignite the human mind’ (Ward Lock, 1999) whom I quoted last week says: “When you are listening to someone, much of the quality of what you are hearing is your effect on them. Giving good attention to people makes them more intelligent. Poor attention makes them stumble over their words and seem stupid”.The beauty of giving someone the room, and time, and space, to talk and think, is it gives people a chance to hear themselves. Hearing ourselves fully talk through an issue, or situation, can uncover the truths about it, and allow us to find our own best solutions. Meanwhile, being listened to makes us feel valued, respected and connected.The benefits of great listening are win/win for both listener, and speaker. When we really listen we are able to retain more information, and catch those important details we might miss, if we are too busy formulating our responses, or tuning out for some other reason.Great listening sets a foundation for great and effective communication, which strengthens bonds between people and leads to better, more productive, and fulfilling, relationships with those we come in contact with.Here are some ways to improve our listening skills:* Give attention — here we can’t do two things at once, real listening requires one’s undivided attention.* No interruptions (which includes finishing off sentences or hijacking stories) — interruptions can be interpreted as saying: my ideas are better than theirs, I already know what they are going to say, I can say it better, They’re not worth listening to … etc.* Set judgment aside — come to the listening free of assumptions or prejudices. We cannot assume to know what the other person is going to say or where the next brilliant idea might come from. Recognise your equality with anyone you are listening to.* Quiet time — allow there to be quiet spaces in others’ speech. Pauses should not be pounced on and filled to avoid awkwardness. That quiet time gives space for the speaker to think, for inspiration to strike and ideas to form. Silence can be extremely productive.* Eye contact — keep your eyes on the speaker. They will naturally look away and about them as they formulate thoughts, but keeping your gaze on their eyes is a supportive signal of your focus and attention.* Facial expression — it can be hard to know what our face is doing because we’re not the ones usually looking at it. I have recently upped my investment in anti-wrinkle cream to combat a particularly deep frown line. Huh! I’m not aware that I frown that much … but clearly I do. Our faces tend to slide into a familiar pattern, a look we’ve grown into for whatever reason, but it may not be the most welcoming and encouraging to talk to. If your familiar facial expression is one that looks like boredom or judgment or worry etc it will have an effect on the person speaking. Try looking at your normal listening face in the mirror. If it is not as warm and receptive as you can make it, tweak your expression and remember those adjustments.* Encouragement — in conjunction with the two points above, providing other forms of encouragement like leaning in towards the speaker, gentle nodding, quiet sounds like ‘uh-huh’ or a well timed, “yes” will help the speaker feel more confident and open to sharing.* Appreciation — Ongoing criticism is not conducive to prompting further conversation. Research has shown that 5:1 is the optimum Praise to Criticism ratio. Every note of negative feedback should be supported with five genuine, positive remarks for the recipient to remain feeling valued and respected rather than overly hurt or defensive.* Reciprocity — reminding ourselves that we will have our turn to speak helps us to be more relaxed and generous listeners. Allowing ourselves to be fully absorbed and interested in whatever the speaker is saying contributes to an optimal environment for communication. They will hopefully return this courtesy when we speak.* Final feedback — only when the person speaking has well and truly finished and especially if there have been instructions given or there are any points that need clarifying, it is helpful to feed back the main points of what you heard to make sure you’ve fully understood. Being prepared to summarise helps us to remain focused and pay attention to the speaker.Great listening, like any skill, takes practice and discipline. I listen to people for a living, and it remains an ongoing learning curve. However, when the result is the creation of infinitely better communication for all involved, the effort proves worth it. It is a skill equally applicable, and beneficial, from the boardroom to the bedroom. It opens channels for receiving all that is being said, and creates the supportive environment for people to think, share and process at their best.Optimise your listening to optimise your success.Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com