Steps to Success

Who hasn’t found themselves faced with a tricky question: just unwrapped an awful gift from Great-Aunt So-and-So: “Don’t you love it my dear?”

A hungover colleague, “how was my karaoke at the Christmas party last night?” Or the BFF in her new outfit, “does my bum look big in this?”

Little white lies, what’s the harm really? They only bend the truth a bit, usually about things we don’t consider that important, and all for the sake of being kind.

Surely it’s just rude to tell people what we really think in these awkward situations. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, we want to protect them.

Yet how kind is it to say yes, when we really wanted to say no, or let someone go on believing we think one thing, when really we think another?

Albert Einstein said, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” Because where do the little white lies end, and those big, dangerous, ugly lies begin?

It’s been my experience that any untruths, even those where the intention seemed honourable, have a way of snowballing out of our control and coming back to bite us. Sir Walter Scott so aptly described that “tangled web” that gets created when we start with the fibs.

There are lots of reasons we might prefer to avoid the truth, or bend it, omit it, distract from it, or outright deny it. Truth can often feel uncomfortable. Being blunt isn’t encouraged. Perhaps we’re trying to sidestep embarrassment, or fear some conflict that might ensue from spilling the beans. Our own insecurities can keep us from speaking up. We may think we’re opting for the ‘easy life’ by withholding what we truly feel, not having to face the fallout or get into trouble for it.

The short-term pain we attach to being honest with someone can seem too much to handle, so instead we draw it out, put off the truth, perhaps in hopes that it might magically change or disappear, or someone else will deal with it. All the while, the other person’s investment in our white lie/omission is growing and the truth seems even harder to say.

Any polygraph will show that telling lies, big or small, raises our blood pressure, our heart rate, changes our breathing patterns and has numerous other negative physiological effects. Our self worth and self-esteem are also linked to our veracity. Living with untruths, whatever the colour, puts strain on our mental and physical well-being. It is a form of stress and as so, can be severely detrimental to our health.

What if we believed instead that, whatever the situation, honesty was the kinder and more honourable way to express ourselves? Is it reasonable or fair to try and protect others, or ourselves, by lying to them? Being honest is the basis of trust. It shows greater respect when we give others the credit to manage themselves, and honesty values their dignity. Candour is often a learning opportunity for the person we express it to. Telling Great-Auntie, “mmm, it’s just what I wanted” will probably land you with an equally terrible gift next year, wasting her money and further cluttering your ugly sweater drawer. Stepping-up to the reality can stop the same mistakes being perpetuated and promotes a win/win situation.

The most fundamental place to start with honesty is, of course, ourselves. For all those reasons above, we can fall into the habit of self-deception and denial of what we truly feel. We can kid ourselves that a bad situation, job or relationship is fine, because we fear the unknown and uncertainty of the prospect of having to change. But lying to ourself, and others, enforces that what we think and feel isn’t important, that our truth doesn’t count or matter. It undermines our sense of self and chips away at our esteem. It keeps us stuck where we are and inhibits us from successfully moving forward.

When we can be honest with who we really are and what we want, we open ourselves to greater clarity, speaking and acting from authenticity and ultimately peace of mind and personal empowerment in knowing and being our true selves.

I’m not suggesting we blurt home truths to whomever will listen and that tomorrow, if you get one of those questionable gifts you say, “Auntie, this is the most hideous sweater I wouldn’t be caught dead in!”

There is a huge difference between being tactless or mean and compassionately offering honest, open messages. Here are some tips to delivering the truth so it will help more than hurt:

Ask yourself: What do I really intend to communicate?

Come from a place of kindness. Consider the truth as shedding a light on an issue in need of a solution. Honesty is not an excuse for nastiness, being controlling or forcing our judgment on others. And, “just being honest” should not be used as an underhand way to disguise jealousy, spite, anger or revenge. To determine our motivations and ensure we are sharing our truth for the right reasons, ask:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it the kind thing to do?

Stick to the objective, undeniable facts and avoid emotional interpretations or observations. The facts are the reality, the rest is the meaning that we (or the other person) puts on it.

If there is something we are avoiding telling someone, take time to acknowledge why we feel uncomfortable with the truth. What is it we are afraid of? What do we need to find the courage and self-worth to face that?

Step into the other person’s shoes. How would they prefer to hear this truth? Often it is easier to hear and understand potentially difficult messages when we feel comfortable in our surroundings and are not under social pressure (so not in front of the whole family, round the Christmas tree!). And face-to-face may require us to be braver, but having our body language support our positive intention is generally better than over phone or in writing where our message can be more easily misinterpreted.

Practice. Running through what we want to say before we say it can help clarify our intended message and find the best words to deliver it. Simple and specific can be more useful than over-qualifying or over-compensating with platitudes.

Learn to accept other people’s truth as a gift. When we focus on the facts, leaving aside the emotional interpretation, we can see the kindness and their faith in us, in being honest with us.

Imagine how much time and energy we could save just being straight with each other (and ourselves). None of this second guessing or pussyfooting around, “what did they really mean? What are they not saying? Dare I tell them how I really feel?” We could rest assured others mean what they say, and we can be frank, trusting that we can all handle the truth. I find the mere thought liberating. As the saying goes, “…it will set you free!”

Merry Christmas!

Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.