Dear Carla,

About three weeks ago my daughter’s father was arrested and remains in custody because no one can afford the bail. His arrest was out of the blue so we didn’t even get to say proper goodbyes. He lives with us and is very hands on. The first night he didn’t come home I told our daughter that he had to move away for work. I hate lying but I didn’t know what else to say especially since he has said repeatedly that he doesn’t want her to see him behind bars. The work excuse will only last for so long because sooner or later she’s going to ask why he hasn’t come home to visit. I’m torn because I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her the truth? And when?

LYING

Dear Lying,

I think you should tell her sooner than later. Although she’s still young she’s old enough to understand the situation. There’s no need to go into detail about why he’s locked up but I don’t think you are doing her any justice by lying to her. At least if she knows he’s in jail she can comprehend why he isn’t available to see her. However by thinking he’s “working” she could very well feel like he has abandoned her which only makes the situation worse. Tell her the truth. She’s more resilient than you think.

Dear Carla,

My children do not like my father. I’ve asked them why and all they can say is that he’s mean. Although they did not spent much time with him when they were very little, he’s now wanting to but they have expressed that they don’t want to go. My dad has expressed that his feelings are hurt but I will not leave my children with him knowing they will be miserable. I haven’t told my dad how they feel because he will get upset but now I feel I have no choice. I don’t want him to pull away again from them but I think he should know the real deal. What do I do?

MOMMY IM MIDDLE

Dear Mommy,

Being “mean” is such an abstract term. Ask them to qualify their feelings and then make an assessment on whether you feel their analogy is correct. Is your father stricter than you? Maybe they can’t handle his discipline. Talk to him and see how he feels. Tell him the truth. Spend time with your children and your dad so that they can still bond with him while feeling more comfortable. Give it time. With persistence and consistency, it will all work out.

Dear Carla,

I’m in love with a man who is not in love with me. We spend time together, but it’s never in public. Whenever I ask him to go somewhere with me there’s always one excuse or the other. I’ve told him repeatedly how I feel and he says that I have it all wrong. I tell him every day that I love him and I get silence in return. I want to walk away but for some reason I can’t. I feel so stupid.

IN LOVE

Dear In Love,

You are not stupid. You said it yourself. You are in love. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem arises because of the lack of reciprocation. But what makes you feel that he doesn’t love you besides the fact that he doesn’t respond? You say he doesn’t go places with you but does that mean anything? I know some couples who NEVER have been seen together publicly because that’s how they prefer it. And it works for them. You said it’s hard for you to walk away. It’s not hard. You just don’t want to. If you really do, you would dig deep and take that step. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t make you happy. You have to live your life to the fullest!