Log In

Reset Password

When did making love turn so violent?

Dear Dr Nekia,

Have you noticed that a lot of the words that we use to refer to sex are negative and violent? I'm sure that I do not have to provide examples of these. When did making love turn into such a hateful act?


Old School Loving

Dear Old School Loving,

Yes indeed. Many of the words and phrases that are reserved to either describe or convey desire for sex are a bit violent in nature.

Many do not give it a second thought, however if one was to make a list of words and phrases used as sexual language they would quickly realise the extent to which violence does play a role within our sexual attitudes.

Some will insist that the violent undertones mean absolutely nothing, while others will say that violence and sex go hand in hand as pain is often seen as pleasure and pleasure is often seen as being painful.

I do agree that the lines that separate the pleasure-pain thresholds are a bit obscured, but I do not agree that there is no underlying motive or psychosis that serves as the reason for such obscurity or prevalence of violent sexual language within our culture.

It saddens me to hear that there is a great acceptance of such violence within sex, and it saddens me even more to know that there are individuals who do not gain sexual satisfaction unless the physical act of sex involves some level of force or pain. Such a phenomenon is not universal or cross-cultural, nor is it healthy (despite its acceptance or popularity). There is almost always an issue of psychosis present in such individuals.

For many, this stems from abuse, coercion, pressure to conform or to be seen as desirable and pleasing, or stress-induced sexual motivation.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been married for over 20 years to my beautiful wife and a few years ago she was diagnosed with a condition that will not allow her to have sex because it is painful for her.

I feel that she is pushing me away, but when we discuss seeking counselling she is against it because she sees it as telling a stranger our personal business. I really do miss being intimate with my wife, but I also miss sex.

I asked her how she would feel about me being with another woman just for that, and she got upset with me.

I do not know what to do because I have needs and I do not want to leave her. I think about it, but have not cheated. Where do I go from here?


No Sex Life

Dear No Sex Life,

There are several physiological conditions which lead to vaginal dryness and atrophy. Sadly, this remains an unspoken fact due to the stigma and shame experienced by those women who are unfortunate to be counted among those who suffer from such painful conditions.

You will need to have the utmost compassion and understanding for your wife. However, you must come to terms with your own internal motivators. Sex is a very powerful desire that occurs naturally in healthy individuals; however, it is not a need.

We have to realise that using the term “I have needs” in reference to human sexuality distorts our reality of our intimate relationships. By placing sex in the “need” pile, we place great and unnecessary pressure upon ourselves and our partner(s) to perform and deliver what makes us feel good when and how we want it.

If there is any inclination that our so-called needs are not being met or that we cannot meet the so-called needs of our partner(s), we tend to be motivated to seek out fulfillment of them elsewhere (outside of ourselves or our relationships) instead of fixing the real issues that are leading to a lack of sexual fulfillment and intimacy.

In your case, your wife is physically unable to have vaginal intercourse. Seeking an external physical relationship may seem to be a harmless and attractive solution, but it is not as long as you are hurting or going against the wishes of the woman whom you claim to love.

Both of you would benefit from counselling and sex coaching regarding this situation. There are still many ways that you and your wife could connect with one another both intimately and sexually.

She needs to regain her confidence in being a desirable woman while both of you need to learn how to rediscover one another in the most pleasurable ways possible. Hopefully she will realise that seeking help is neither shameful nor a platform used for gossip. We all need help along the way, and professional help is available for those who are in want or need.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Why is a man ready for sex first thing in the morning? All I want to do is sleep in while my husband just wants to engage in horizontal gymnastics.


I Just Want To Sleep In

Dear I Just Want To Sleep In,

Men are prone to be more sexually active in the morning because this is when their sexual energy is at its peak.

The night offers the body a chance to rest and absorb valuable nutrients, and in the case of healthy males, along with the rising of the sun comes the rising of the phallus.

That is, as the Earth's surface is being warmed by the rising sun, so is the male's internal fire rising to warm his sexual and reproductive organs.

The female's body corresponds to this as well for she has had time to rest and rejuvenate which is reflected in her increase in intimate moisture.

However, if either male or female engages in poor diet or an overstressed lifestyle where ample quality rest is not obtained, he will not rise and she will not lubricate.

You may want to ponder on ways in which you could de-stress and get ample rejuvenation time so that your body is able to re-establish its natural rhythm and sexual cycle.

Nekia Walker (File photo by Akil Simmons)

You must be Registered or to post comment or to vote.

Published April 13, 2015 at 9:00 am (Updated April 12, 2015 at 11:39 pm)

When did making love turn so violent?

What you
Need to
1. For a smooth experience with our commenting system we recommend that you use Internet Explorer 10 or higher, Firefox or Chrome Browsers. Additionally please clear both your browser's cache and cookies - How do I clear my cache and cookies?
2. Please respect the use of this community forum and its users.
3. Any poster that insults, threatens or verbally abuses another member, uses defamatory language, or deliberately disrupts discussions will be banned.
4. Users who violate the Terms of Service or any commenting rules will be banned.
5. Please stay on topic. "Trolling" to incite emotional responses and disrupt conversations will be deleted.
6. To understand further what is and isn't allowed and the actions we may take, please read our Terms of Service
7. To report breaches of the Terms of Service use the flag icon