Log In

Reset Password

Is my man’s laid-back demeanour a turn-off?

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am in a relationship with a very kind and loving gentleman whom I've been with for over a year now. At first the sex was great to me, but of late I've noticed I don't have a desire for it and the chemistry is not there. He's a great guy and shows me nothing but love and affection. I've asked myself have I've fallen out of love with him because of the way I'm feeling, and the feeling is still lingering. However, he doesn't have a backbone, and I say that with the greatest of respect.

Decision making/planning he doesn't do and neither does he take the lead as the man in the relationship. He's very comfortable with just going along with the flow, and so I wonder if this could have an effect on the way I'm feeling.


Chemistry Not There

Dear Chemistry Not There,

Because you felt it necessary to express your feelings regarding his laid-back demeanour it would be my guess that these feelings are most certainly affecting your level of attraction to him. In the beginning stages of a relationship, sex can seem exciting and fulfilling because a great portion of our sexual attraction to our new lovers is backed by the thrill of hope and possibility. The unknown and positive outlook that we have about the other person and the destiny of the relationship is a major motivating factor in our openness and sexual desire for them. Once the relationship matures however, it is not uncommon that some or most of the feelings of desire and attraction will wane if we find our hopes and outlook not being met. This is true whether our expectations are sexual or not, and is often the case when our vision of who we created our lover to be gives way to the reality of who they really are.

In your case, while most people value a kind, gentle, and generous spirit, it is obviously important to you that your man also embody a character that has been traditionally ascribed to as being masculine. This would mean that the ideal man for you would need to possess some sort of a balance between softness and the needed aggressiveness that would fuel his drive of initiation and leadership. This is quite common amongst women, for we seek out our familiar feminine qualities that are rather gentle and indicate a man's ability to love yet we still desire to connect with the opposing complementary masculine qualities that reflect his ability to assert himself. Nevertheless, it sounds as though your companion's endearing qualities are valued by you enough that you have chosen to remain in the relationship; so I would suggest that you be completely honest with him about your feelings. Let him know that you honour his loving nature, but that you also need for him to take charge at times. Explain to him that it is a turn on for you, and will increase your excitement for him in and out of the sheets.

Usually men respond to constructive criticism favourably and less defensively if you attach the reward of sex with it. Do not be afraid to determine, and ask for what is important to you.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a stay-at-home mom who has been feeling unappreciated lately. My husband works very hard to support his family, but I get the feeling that he does not value what I bring to the table. I hear men talk bad about women who do not work, and my husband makes jokes and comments about it as well. So how can I get him to be more appreciative of what I do?



Dear Unappreciated,

You could take the approach of cease and desist, whereby you purposefully cease to perform your usual tasks. In doing so, the idea is that your husband will see for himself exactly what it is that would not get done if you were not around.

Sometimes it is easy for us to take one another for granted and to turn a blind eye to their contributions. This is especially true where in a society success and individual worth has a finality in being measured by income.

With that being said, a less drastic approach would be if you were to calculate just exactly how much your tasks of running the household would be on todays market.

Do some research and find out how much per hour a private chef, housekeeper, child care worker, etc gets compensated monetarily for their crafts.

Lay out the particulars on a spreadsheet and tally up the total for your hubby to see.

You could choose to do either or both of these ideas, or you could just as easily come up with a creative one of your own. Either way be sure to let your husband know of how you are feeling and of how his jokes and comments are affecting you.

No you may not bring in a paycheque, but your role within the home is indeed work and it should be respected as being of great importance.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is it true that I can only get pregnant one day out of the month? My boyfriend and I are beginning to have sex and even though we use a condom, I am not ready to tell my mom that I want birth control yet.


Don't Want To Be A Statistic

Dear Don't Want To Be A Statistic,

I am not sure of your age but it seems as though you are of a young age due to the mention of not wanting to tell your mom of your need for birth control. Nevertheless, because there may be other young people out there reading this column who are in similar circumstances to yourself, I will answer your question.

Although it is natural to be experiencing sexual desire at a young age and it is great that you are protecting yourself and are aware of the possible outcomes of sexual activity, I would strongly suggest that you build the courage to let your mom know that you have decided to become sexually active. There are things that every young girl should know as she makes the transition from virginity into sexual activity. This valuable information has to do with your physical health, mental stability, emotional wellbeing, and its importance can not be understated.

Unfortunately, many young girls go without receiving this information so hopefully your mom will be receptive to giving you the much needed guidance. As to your question, the answer is that your body releases an egg (ovulation) one day per cycle but you can get pregnant if you have sex 3-4 days before because sperm survives in the body for that long. You also can get pregnant 3-4 days following ovulation because the egg takes that time to travel towards the womb. If and when ovulation occurs depends on the length and regularity of your menstrual cycle so it may occur 0-2 times per month or once every other month etc. Again I would like to encourage you to speak with your mom or at least with an adult whom you can trust.

Taking it easy: a reader says the flames of passion have gone out in her life. She wonders whether her man's failure to step out of his comfort zone is to blame

You must be Registered or to post comment or to vote.

Published November 23, 2015 at 9:51 am (Updated November 23, 2015 at 9:51 am)

Is my man’s laid-back demeanour a turn-off?

What you
Need to
1. For a smooth experience with our commenting system we recommend that you use Internet Explorer 10 or higher, Firefox or Chrome Browsers. Additionally please clear both your browser's cache and cookies - How do I clear my cache and cookies?
2. Please respect the use of this community forum and its users.
3. Any poster that insults, threatens or verbally abuses another member, uses defamatory language, or deliberately disrupts discussions will be banned.
4. Users who violate the Terms of Service or any commenting rules will be banned.
5. Please stay on topic. "Trolling" to incite emotional responses and disrupt conversations will be deleted.
6. To understand further what is and isn't allowed and the actions we may take, please read our Terms of Service
7. To report breaches of the Terms of Service use the flag icon