I propose the first Baby Olympics
In honour of the Rio Olympics, where gladly, it came off without any international incidents (beside Mr Lochte's interesting tales to the police), I want to share a proposed list of events at the Inaugural Baby Olympics.
For the first time in history, both men and women will participate in the same events against each other.
This event is not limited to parents; aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and friends are welcome to participate (with the parent's permission). All you need is a baby, and the will to win.
It has been said that in the original Greek Olympics, thousands of years ago, prospective Olympians would train by carrying calves around their homes on a daily basis, and as the calves grew, the Olympians would gradually become stronger.
I propose the Baby Curl, where parents must lift babies of different weight classes as many times as possible, and whoever lifts their baby the most times, will win the gold medal.
Please ensure that your baby has not eaten beforehand.
The modern Olympics has its marquee race as the 100m dash, where legends are made from little places like Trelawny, Jamaica. The World Championships have an even shorter race called the 60m dash, a test of power and acceleration.
In the Baby Olympics there shall be the 10m dash. Measured to an unprecedented fourth decimal point because of fierce competition, it will be a challenge of reflex and acceleration.
Parents must react to a recording of their baby's cry and reach them in the quickest possible time.
Something tells me that women might dominate this event because of their uncanny anticipation skills.
The Baby Olympic Committee had considered a controversial “Baby Toss” event where participants have to see how high they can throw and catch their babies, but it was scuppered because of the bad optics. Babies flying 30-plus metres in the air just wouldn't be a good look no matter how you explain it.
The most difficult and complex event, and hardest to train for, is the “Cycling Baby Tow” event.
Set in the evening in order to keep the babies out of the heat, cyclists must tow their babies behind them in order to keep the babies from waking up.
The baby which sleeps the longest is the winner.
The difficulty is in prepping the baby for the start of the event, because they must start it asleep.
If your baby is crying at the beginning of the event then your time won't begin until the baby is settled.
Love and patience are just as important as stamina and perseverance in this event.
This is just a sampling of the many glory filled events which await all potential Baby Olympians.
Now the only thing to resolve is the qualifying stages of the Olympics. That's a lot of babies!