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I found out new man has a newborn

Baby love: the arrival of a baby will change the dynamics of any relationship, but when the baby is not a product of the relationship itself, it can be even more challenging to adjust

Dear Dr Nekia,

I met someone who I really like. He just found out that he has a newborn baby girl, and I know that this may be shocking and exciting news to him, but to me it’s more like a deal breaker. I just do not want to share him, and I do not want to have to go through all it takes to help raise a baby. I sort of told him how I feel but stopped because I could see that he was not understanding. What do I do?


It’s A Deal Breaker

Dear It’s A Deal Breaker,

The arrival of a baby will change the dynamics of any relationship, but when the baby is not a product of the relationship itself, it can be even more challenging to adjust.

This does not mean that you cannot grow to love the baby, but rather that your attachment is not as strong as if he or she had been your child. He very well may be excited about the news of having a new baby because the child is his. It is fine that you do not feel the same way that he does. Should you really want to end the relationship, you should not feel guilty about this. Should you remain a part of your man’s life, you will have to accept sharing his love and attention because children tend to be the first priority with loving parents. You will also have to be willing to develop your very own relationship with his baby girl.

It is easy to dismiss someone’s feelings as being jealous or selfish when they do not line up with what we think they should or what we want them to feel, but the truth is that there is one simple concept that many of us forget: in order to be true to someone else, we must first learn to remain true to ourselves. This is best for everyone involved.

It really is an injustice to remain in a relationship when you know, deep down inside, that you are truly are not present in it. The best gift that we have to offer anyone in this world is our true and unique selves. If we cannot do this, then what really are we giving to them but an empty shell or a shadow of who they think us to be?

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating someone who seems perfect for me, except when it comes to sex. Most times I fake it because he is so into it and always tells me how great it is. Sometimes I wonder if we are having the same experiences. Should I give up everything else because of it? I really do miss enjoying sex.


Almost Perfect

Dear Almost Perfect,

They say that no relationship is ever perfect, but I say that this is not true. Any relationship can be perfect if those involved make it so.

For most of us, our ideal relationship begins with a check list that we use as a rule to measure potential partners. In our minds, this list reflects the qualities that we feel we strongly desire and need in a partner. We often believe that we will have our ideal mate should we find someone that checks off everything on our list but the reality is that most times there will be something missing or we will feel unfulfilled. The reason for this is that love can not be calculated. You may meet someone who is your type and find that things do not work out, while it is equally possible for you to meet someone who is completely opposite from what you were looking for yet find yourself completely head over heels in love. What is it about sex with him that leaves you less than impressed? Most sexual hang ups can be addressed and resolved with the right coaching, but there is one aspect of sex that can not be taught - the raw natural attraction and underlying connection. The first step will be for you to be honest with him about the things that you do and do not like during sex. The sooner that you do is the sooner you will enjoy sex again.

Sex is an important part of any intimate relationship, so I won’t tell you that no one is perfect and you should be satisfied with the man that you got. I will however tell you to think of how valuable your man’s other qualities are to you, and from there decide whether or not the trial and error of finding your sexual groove is worth the effort.