I want sex more than my man
Dear Dr Nekia,
My sex drive is way bigger than my man's. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because it is never enough for me. We have a pretty sexually active life, but I am usually left feeling like I want more. It is sort of like eating your favourite meal, but still being hungry after you finish. I feel bad because he tries his best to keep up with me, but he gets frustrated and says that something must be wrong with me because I am never satisfied. At first I did not take him seriously, but now I am beginning to wonder if there really could be something wrong with me. How can I find out if I am normal or not?
The first question that you will want to ask yourself is whether it is that he does not satisfy you sexually, or whether it is that you desire to have sex more often than he does?
If it is that your man is not meeting your sexual needs when you do have sex, it is understandable that your body will react by having you crave more stimulation. Sexuality excites the brain and body, so if you are getting all wound up only to be disappointed, then your body could be reacting due to a build-up of unfulfilled energy.
Women who aren't sexually satisfied will often respond in one of two ways: they become hypersexual or they go towards the opposite end of the spectrum and become hyposexual. So, they either get and remain really turned on or they end up not being very sexually motivated at all. If, on the other hand, you are sexually satisfied but cannot get enough, you most likely have a higher sex drive than him or you are using sex to self-medicate.
This is very common among people who are stressed, internally frustrated or hurting, trying to fill a void, or are hormonally unbalanced. You could be facing any one or a combination of these things. I would lean more towards you not being truly satisfied by your mate because of your analogy about sex leaving you hungry after your favourite meal.
You say that your relationship enjoys a pretty active sex life, so I would assume that the quantity of sex is not an issue. Feeling like you are going crazy from this could be a sign of sexual frustration. Accompanying symptoms are incessant sexual thoughts, frequent masturbation that leaves you unsatisfied, feeling on edge and feeling as though you need an outlet and are about to explode. If you are sexually satisfied and enjoy an active sex life but still are unfulfilled, you may want to seek help to determine whether or not you are using sex as a coping mechanism, have unbalanced hormones or if you have some other psychological motivation that is causing you to desire to act out sexually. Chances are that you are fine, but you will not know until you eliminate some of the possibilities.
Dear Dr Nekia,
I am bored with sex. Well, let me be more specific. I am bored with sex with my partner. I try to get him to try new things: touch me differently, kiss me more, learn new positions, etc, but he always falls back into his same old routine. To me he is just a lazy lover. I am tired of him brushing me off and acting like I should just be satisfied with what he is giving. He thinks that he doesn't have a problem and that I am trying to make him feel like he is not good enough. I am not sure how long I can stay in this relationship.
Bored To Tears
Dear Bored To Tears,
It is so very hard to vamp up your sex life when your partner is closed-minded, unmotivated, caught up in their ego or clueless as to why you are not satisfied when they are. When it comes to sex, the rule of thumb is very similar to other areas of a relationship: put the other person first.
This does not mean that you deny your own needs, but that you are also aware of your partner's and strive to meet those as much as possible. A satisfied partner makes for a happy and willing bedfellow. The relationship will flourish because you will both feel cared for, validated and secure.
Modify acts or positions that prove unsavoury or difficult; experience most things at least once. Even if you are not interested in a particular sexual act, being willing to try will show your partner that you're not sexually closed and make them feel validated and more at ease.
Even though it is hard, egos need to be quieted when it comes to the bedroom. Your partner should not be forced to settle for what you have to offer and think there's something wrong with them if they don't like it.
Sex is always boring and unfulfilling unless we are honest about what it is that we want. Say that sex will cease until he can agree to be more willing to put in the effort to at least meet you part of the way. Try your best to show him what you want instead of just telling him. Telling can come across as “you are not good enough”.
For some men, it leaves them feeling as if they're not good enough or sexually inadequate. As a defence, he then points out your sexual flaws which can start a downward spiral and leave you feeling more frustrated than when you first began.
Sex is a team sport that takes team effort, so you both have to be willing to go the distance. A mediator works great for couples finding it difficult to meet somewhere in the middle, but unfortunately, many are too prideful to seek help.
It is not uncommon for life to get in the way of sexual happiness, robbing us of our energy, creativity and motivation. It is equally not uncommon for us to have partners who have sexual styles that differ from us.
However, we can always find a way to come together and be fulfilled if we all are willing and open to enhancing our experiences.
No couple is ever sexually doomed, unless they doom themselves.
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