I’m pregnant, but don’t know who the dad is
Dear Dr Nekia,
I'm pregnant and I do not know who the father is. I have been seeing someone regularly, and another guy on and off for the past year. I like them both, but things seem to be progressing with one more than it is with the other. I am not taking birth control but do use condoms, but I still got pregnant.
My doctor says that it sometimes happens and, because of my extremely irregular periods, we cannot establish a due date until I have an ultrasound. So I have no idea which guy is the most likely father. I would prefer that it be one over the other because he is more financially stable, has no children and would make a better father; but how do I tell them the news? I really don't want to scare away the one who I am hoping is the dad.
Two Possible Dads
Dear Two Possible Dads,
Remove the possible dads out of the equation and ask yourself if you are physically, mentally, emotionally and financially ready to be a mom. This is important, because you need to reflect on the seriousness of being a parent and the reality of how your life is about to quickly and permanently change. You have to be ready as a mother regardless of who the father is and whether or not he will be an active part of the little one's life. Many women do not consider what it would be like to be a single parent should negative events occur — a failed relationship, divorce or even the death of the father.
Get a firm handle on what becoming a mother means to you before approaching the men in your life. It will give you the clarity and confidence to effectively communicate the situation to them, along with your expectations. Next, you will want to think about why you feel more hopeful for one to be the father over the other. The reasons that you have given are all great ones but you will also want to consider your relationship with each man. Visualise the kind of father that they each have the potential to be but do not fantasise or get hung up on seeing things with rose-coloured glasses simply because you are more attracted to one. You do not want to become too disheartened should they decide not to be a part of you and baby's life.
Finally, do these men know about one another? Are they aware that you were not seeing them exclusively? If not, then you will obviously have to come clean. If they do realise that you were not exclusive, you may want to emphasise that you would like for each to consider the very real possibility of fatherhood while keeping in mind that there is another potential dad. Talk things out with each of them and ask that you all be very realistic and honest about what you are feeling.
It is normal for emotions to run high, for there to be some hesitation and for the potential dads to need time to process all that is going on. Although it would be great if it happens, do not expect undying loyalty and positive excitement — you want to avoid setting yourself up for more disappointment than is necessary. It is not an easy situation to be in, and either or both of these men could walk away. You need to prepare yourself for this possible reality.
Dear Dr Nekia,
Is it possible to be attracted to people of your same sex without being gay or bisexual? My husband thinks that I may be secretly gay, or at least bisexual, because I find other women beautiful. He has even made comments along the lines of not trusting me and thinking that I may cheat on him with, or leave him for, another woman. I don't think I m gay or bisexual. I just think that women are beautiful. What's wrong with that?
I Admire Other Women
Dear I Admire Other Women,
Do you get sexually aroused while watching other women? Do you have a desire, or deep curiosity, to be sexually involved with other women? Do you have romantic thoughts or feelings towards other women? If you answered no to these questions then chances are that you are not homosexual or bisexual. However, human personality and sexuality is so complex that I hate to use categories when describing or naming behaviour.
They are useful for designating what is what and who is who, but they seldom hold any validity because they do the grave injustice of boxing people in. So many of us are struggling with our sexual identity because we are trying to define ourselves using social cues that have been handed down to us. What you are experiencing is a perfect example. Your admiration of other women is not being viewed as an acceptable heterosexual trait, yet you are married, and personally identify with being a heterosexual woman.
Your husband has become insecure because he knows that, as a man, he cannot compete with another woman should you choose to fulfil your sexual desires. Your openness about your attraction to other women has caused alarms to go off because he does not see it as being the norm for a married, heterosexual woman.
If same-sex attractions were defined and accepted as a normal trait of heterosexual individuals, then there would not even be the need for your question. In the end, only you can decide your reality. Try to understand yourself without judgment so that you may become secure and comfortable with who you are.
Asserting your definition of yourself will either intimidate or coerce your husband. He will either become uneasy with your sexuality or he will conform to it, and learn things about himself as he begins to experience the new sexual confidence that you have found. Either way, stop questioning whether or not you are gay. Identify your desires, become aware of what you enjoy and find pleasing, and then question why you enjoy these things.
There are many ways you can admire other women without being gay. For instance, you may find women attractive if they possess characteristics or physical traits you wish you had yourself. Admiration or attraction does not necessarily mean sexual arousal or desire however, not everyone understands this and attraction is easily mistaken for desire, which often leads to promiscuous behaviour.
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