Money matters are tough enough to deal with alone, without having additional relationships with other people muddy the money or the water, whichever is your preference.

You know what I mean.

Statistically, we lean heavily in the handling of our money the same way the people of influence in our lives handled their finances: badly, recklessly, thriftily, or somewhere in between. We can't help it. The way that we as individuals think about money and what it can do for us is almost genetically coded into our psyche at birth. This subliminal message leads to emotionally calculated behaviour in the reward versus denial versus blame game. For instance, money used as rewards to buy food treats, sugar or salt-coated lovely's not resembling anything nutritious may carry over into adulthood, contributing to issues battling weight gain and diabetes, or sheer denial leading to anorexia. Individuals have used money (and credit) to purchase bling they could not afford nor truly felt comfortable owning, but they felt compelled to buy it. The more obsessed with reaching the elusive pot of gold, spend money gambling for a better life, only to see the good life and their savings instantly disappear.

Relationship is a tough word to define. Insert multiple relationships into the equation and money control issues can begin to dominate the picture. While we automatically tend to think of the word relationship first as defining a couple, the context is far broader. Relationships encompass related and unrelated (by blood) family members, domestic partners, businesses, spiritual mentors, political, financial, and governmental agencies.

Control of money and thus the relationship, is very much a part of the medium of exchange. The control is very subtle, sometimes to the point that we do not realise we are being controlled.

In your childhood. As children in relationships with parents, other siblings and relatives, we quickly learn the system of reward and denial. At first, the reward for being good is a toy, a candy, cookie, game and so on. Misbehave and the reward disappears. Soon, however, the thing given is equated to the medium used to purchase it. Money is where small children tend to think that in today's world it comes on a whim out of a machine. Need some money, go get it. Years ago, when wages were paid in cash in brown envelopes, money equaled value for work. There is no ability to perceive that in electronic satisfaction today. The child knows ultimately, however, that the reward will only be given upon proof of acquiescence in the game; the control is not on their side. Of course, the child can punish the parent temporarily with horrendous tantrums, but generally, control is not ceded downward.

Laws defining money and relationships provide clarity to the process, but sometimes there is a perception that there is more control for the one whose right to a benefit is higher. In the commercial sense under contract law, for instance, there must be a money system of checks and balances, or reward and denial. No financial institution in its collective right mind would loan money if the expectation of being paid could not be fulfilled. While each party to the loan may feel that they have satisfactory parity, the institution is larger than the individual, and the feeling of control is mentally weighted upward.

All relationships with money are not equal. One individual essentially determines his or her monetary outcome. Two or more in a money relationship will almost always stratify into a financial ordering, even when the intent is absolute fairness to each outcome.

Mom loved you best, and sometimes Mom was really mean. The distribution of estates is almost never equal in monetary relationships. Parents attempt to show disapproval and control their children beyond the grave. Sometimes it works; sometimes it does not. These punitive grave messages almost always leave beneficiaries emotionally devastated.

Marketing brands and products is a very interesting way to control money relationships. Advertisers, style leaders and others project the image of what you should be, should have, and should look like, with the subtle message that emulating these trends will put you in control of your life. In control, by these terms means spending to belong, being a happy individual - even if your bank account isn't. These messages are hard to ignore because they can be so exciting. What is not realised at first, is that we are being told what to be, even though we know we can choose not to be. We should be the only arbiters of our styles and choices, but it takes great will power to feel comfortable with one's self.

Government giveth and government taketh away. This can be interpreted as Government divine intervention or interference, depending upon the filling of, or liquidation of, your pocketbook by government mandated tax programs. This is control in the ultimate sense, since government decides who will get and who will give while we citizens have little or no control over how government spends our money or raises taxes.

And then there is Guilt, probably the ultimate controller of our money relationships, which we will leave for discussion in the next article where we look at how unequal relationships can bring about completely unintended results, and how financial planning in advance can help achieve parity for the individuals in the relationship.

Martha Harris Myron, CPA, CFP(US) TEP(UK) JP - Bermuda is an international Certified Financial Planner™ practitioner. She specialises in independent fee-only cross-border tax, estate, investment, and strategic retirement planning services for Bermuda residents with cross-border and multi-national connections, internationally mobile people and US citizens living abroad. For more information, contact martha.myron@gmail.com">martha.myron@gmail.com or 735-4720.