Question: I’m trying to help a 10-year-old friend. She’s in fifth grade and having trouble with some of the girls in her class. My son is in her class. She carpools with me, and I hear about all of it. Her mom is also concerned. She’s a sweet girl, very cute, and generally outgoing. There’s one girl in particular who seems to want “Queen Bee” status and has made her a target. I’m assuming she’s turned others against her, mostly due to jealousy. Others seem to be paired up and don’t want a third wheel. She does have some boys who are friends, which is good, because boys aren’t into the drama. I hear her lament daily that she has no friends. I can tell she’s really hurting over this.

I know this will only get worse in middle school. I’d like to give her some coping methods and strategies. Do you have any suggestions or resources?Answer: No 10-year-old should feel so lonely; but unfortunately, her daily lament may only add to her loneliness. Kids don’t care to befriend others who complain of nonstop loneliness or who try to break up other friendships. Unfortunately, her problem is much like the chicken and egg scenario. Regardless of which came first, the loneliness or the lamentations, she’ll have to become more upbeat, interesting and independent to chase the blues away and attract friendships.Her teachers can help by pairing her with likely friends for school projects. Her parents can help by suggesting she bring along a friend when they attend interesting family events. She can help herself by becoming involved in sports, hobbies, extracurricular clubs, Girl Scouts, crafts, community service projects, religious youth groups, dance, art or music <\m> anything where there are other children who share her interests. You can tell her to value her independence and strength in accomplishment in order for others to see her more positively. She can even continue to pal around with boys in their healthy interests.

There may be other issues, like bullying, that she could use help in handling, or some social skills that she could role-play with her parents. A counsellor could help her identify those skills if she does have problems. This is a good time to get that counseling assistance, because she may feel more isolated in middle school, and it would be nice for her to build confidence before that.

My book “See Jane Win(r) For Girls” (Free Spirit, 2003) has many helpful social-skills tips for your 10-year-old friend, and also includes exercises for developing self-esteem, social skills and interests. Also, for free newsletters about “See Jane Win(r) For Girls,” social skills, growing up too fast, sports, or music and the arts, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information>Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094 or srimm[AT]sylviarimm.com.