In working with couples, I have now said something for what seems like a kazillion times. In relationships there is something that can be known, and there is something that can't be known. Unfortunately, it seems that most of a person's energy is going towards what can't be known, stepping over and bypassing what can be known.

The woman is talking on the cell phone in the living room. When her husband walks in, she quickly says, "Well, gotta go," snaps the phone shut and starts singing to herself as she moves towards the kitchen.

So, her husband follows, and he says, "Who was that?"

She answers, "Oh, no one."

On the face of it, what she was doing and saying in front of her husband is what he can know. He can see it and hear it. He has a personal and direct experience of it. The husband, however, races past what can be known to formulate theories in trying to figure out what can't be known.

He follows her into the kitchen. While she is starting to put together the next meal, he stands there at first tapping his fingers on the counter, watching her. Then he says, "No, really. Who were you talking to?"

That's when his wife says, "Why are you grilling me?" He says nothing, but he obviously waits for an answer, so she blurts out, "If you must know it was _________ (insert name of wife's friend)."

Next, the husband leaves the kitchen to go sit and stew in the living room, where he starts imagining all kinds of terrible scenarios involving his wife and this other person.

What can't be known is just that. It cannot be known. It can be imagined. It can be interpreted. It can be conjured up like some spell out of dead frogs' guts and screaming cats, but it cannot be touched, seen, smelled, tasted. In itself what cannot be known must be suspected. On that basis it is also usually assumed and acted upon.

What cannot be known has not been given. Often one person purposefully withholds information from the other. When the wife snapped the phone shut, she started that concealing and withholding process, which she continued in turning away from and avoiding her husband's curiosity. Why would a person do such a thing? There are many possible reasons. She might know her husband doesn't like the friend and she wants to avoid an unpleasant scene. She might see her husband and suddenly remember she was going to cook his favourite dish for dinner. She might just be startled by his entrance and remember other things pressing in her day, only one of which is cooking dinner. And, yes, she MIGHT be having an affair.

It's my impression that a majority of relating in a marriage is done around what cannot be known and is only interpreted. Most of the time with people who know one another well these interpretations are accurate, but it's the ones that are wrong that can cut the legs out from under a relationship and make individuals miserable.

So, what is it I have said for at least a kazillion times? It is this: stick with what can be known. Ask, "If that is the way it is, then how does that make me feel, and what do I want?"

The husband walks into the room and experiences the abrupt action of his wife as she turns away from him, humming and strolling into the kitchen. How does that make him feel? He feels curious and a bit concerned. He could follow and inquire, trying to satisfy his curiosity, or he could let it go. If he inquires and she says, "Oh, no one," how does that make him feel, and what does he want? At some point one must face what it feels like given the face value of a situation. If that is how it is, then what does that feel like, and what might a person want? Further, how can a person communicate their own experience rather than attribute theories about the other? Given what can be known, how can a person take good care of him or herself?