My trip to the supermarket was not a pleasure this week. I had a howling three-year-old attached to my leg most of the way round ? the smiling lady at the cash register couldn't even persuade him to cheer up. What was the cause of all this misery? Consequences! I had given my little boy a choice in the car, he had made a decision and he had to live with the consequences.

There is no doubt that when children know you mean what you say, life is easier and more peaceful all round ? including for them (although it is sometimes hard getting them to understand that, as I was discovering in the supermarket!).

Today's hassled parents can use a variety of common ways of disciplining children such as coaxing, bribing, nagging, making empty threats, shouting, scolding and smacking. It can also be difficult because we want to be liked, some of us carry the guilt of working long hours and perhaps compensate by wanting to give a child everything they want: "Let him eat what he likes, and whenever he likes. Let her go to bed when it suits her. Let him watch that TV programme/DVD if that's what makes him happy." This may result in a few moments of peace but in the long run can be disastrous for family life. Good behaviour in children is required not as a whim of the parents but to make practical family living easier. Needless to say this has obvious ramifications for wider society as well.

We know from research that there are three main styles of parental response to children who play up: aggressive, passive and assertive. Aggressive parents use attack, either in words or actions, to put their children down. Passive parents allow their children to 'walk' all over them and only regain control when 'it's the last straw' ? and then by unexpected outbursts. Assertive parents are clear, firm, determined, confident and relaxed. Their children learn that what Mum or Dad says goes, but at the same time they will not be treated with put-downs or humiliation. I suspect that most of us are a combination of the three parenting styles depending on what else is going on in our lives, how "in control" we feel, how much sleep we have had and so on.

What do you feel about these statements: 'I have to keep the kids happy all the time or I'm a bad parent', 'Life is a bit of a struggle', 'I just want to keep the peace: I give in to the kids for the sake of some peace and quiet'. These are all things a passive parent might think. The assertive parent would say: 'The children are important but they have to fit in with others too', 'Life is challenging but fun', 'Sometimes I am tired, but I have to teach the kids that they're not in charge. It's easier in the long run if they know where they stand.' It may reassure you to know that becoming an assertive parent is a skill and not necessarily something you were born with, although it will come more naturally if your own parents were assertive in the way they dealt with you.

Family therapist, Steve Biddulph suggests some effective ways of eliciting good behaviour from a child who is used to disobeying or delaying:: It's not a request, its not open to debate. : Stop what you are doing, go up close to the child and get him to look at you. : Say, 'I want you to ? now. Do you understand what I am telling you? Make sure you get an answer. Do not discuss, reason or get angry. What you are signalling to your child is that you are willing to persist and not get upset about it. You may have to take a few deep breaths!

Another way that I have found to be particularly effective is offering a child a limited choice, respecting that choice and allowing them to live with the consequences. A choice involves a child because it gives them some say in the decision that affects them, and they like that.

An example might be that of a child who is reluctant to tidy away their toys at the end of the day. How many of us, in order to avoid the issue, tidy them away ourselves. Would it not be better to say, "If you tidy your toys away now there will be time for a story, it's your choice", and then acting on what happens next.

Or, perhaps respecting a child's choice not to eat at a particular meal (a really hard one), but following through by not giving them dessert. It is really important to follow through as a child quickly learns that he can ignore empty threats.

So you may wonder what happened at the end of my shopping trip and the angry three-year-old who was being made to live with the consequences of his choice ? he climbed into the car and said, 'I'm sorry mummy for crying in there' and after a hug it was all forgotten. I had so nearly given in and not followed through, but instead we had both learned a lesson ? he; that I mean what I say and that choices have consequences, and me; that it really works!