Question: My 2-year-old son and I spend time with other families from our day care. One of the little girls has a problem with violent behaviour. Sometimes she's fine, but over time it's getting worse. Her mother does seem to try to address the aggression, but very mildly, and it has little effect. No children have been seriously hurt, but I don't want to teach my son that it's normal to keep playing with someone who hits, pushes and pulls hair. This little girl behaves viciously at times.

The parents have been through a stressful divorce. I can stop spending time with this group, but I also feel this little girl really needs some counseling. I don't know that my suggesting this to the mom will do any good, but no one else is doing anything about it. What would you do? — No More Hitting

Answer: If you're a friend of the mother of this aggressive child, the last thing the mom needs is for you to break your friendship with her and the child. I'd explain to her that normally most parents and children have issues to work through after a divorce. She may be willing to get the counselling that she and her daughter desperately need. You might also share your experience with handling your son's occasional aggression if she seems open to hearing from you.

Communicate with your friend privately, without the children overhearing you. Also, if you can reach out to the child, encourage her good behavior and even comment on it during playgroup, she'll be very responsive to some positive attention, and the mother will appreciate your caring.

Question: I have a son and daughter-in-law with whom I don't see eye-to-eye about our 16-month-old grandchild.

She's well-behaved, but she's now testing limits. She'll repeatedly pull dirt out of potted plants and, more seriously, has bitten electrical wires. The parents will give a firm "no", remove the child from the situation and divert her attention. It's their belief that right and wrong can't be explained to her yet. My opinion is that a swat on the rear should accompany a very firm "no" in order for her to learn that "no means no." What's your opinion?

Answer: Toddlers explore, not only to test limits, but also to discover their world. It's important to keep them safe, so keeping plants and electrical wires out of their reach will cut down on the "no's" until they understand better. Saying no and diverting them teaches them gradually without making them fearful or angry.

I'll always remember a colleague of mine who was determined to teach his child discipline the way you suggested. He prided himself on not needing to take risky things out of the way because his son was so well-behaved. The result, unfortunately, was a shy, overly cautious and fearful child, and my colleague felt real regret at having been so strict.

Yes, you're correct. Your approach will work, but it could steal your granddaughter's curiosity and hurt her confidence. When she's older, a timeout is appropriate for breaking rules. For now, making her environment child-safe can prevent problems. Perhaps you could suggest that soil and electrical wires be blocked off from your granddaughter. Your children will appreciate it if you back them in their approach, and you'll find that it almost always works.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com.