Question: My nine-year-old daughter has always been a bit of a loner. She prefers playing alone to group activities. She's the oldest grandchild, and when all of the cousins are together, she takes over and becomes the organiser/caretaker. She spends her recess at school by herself, reading or playing quietly. She did invite several children to her last birthday party. Only one came, and they had a great time, but she doesn't want to invite them at any other time, and she's never received an invitation from others. She's in the third grade and gets A's and B's.

My six-year-old son is the opposite. He's very outgoing; he came home the first day of first grade with 15 phone numbers. He's the class clown and visits with friends outside of school as often as I'll let him.

Of the two of them, he's the one I worry about. My daughter is much the same as I was, so I know what kind of feelings she'll be having and how to handle them. Her feelings aren't really hurt right now, but when she's a teen she'll be feeling pretty left out. I do encourage her to make friends, but when she tells me she'd rather read a book than play, I don't want to force her to play with the other kids.

I don't know what to do about my son. I'm worried that he'll become one of the "popular" kids in middle or high school, and all I can think about is how those kids made me feel back then. I'm trying to make sure he's empathetic and careful of other's feelings, but I don't think I'm succeeding very well. What else can I do aside from talking to him about it?

Answer: Although there are plenty of exceptions to birth order and socialising, I most frequently find oldest children aren't very social and later-borns are much more social. Consider that first children didn't have to share adult attention with siblings at the start and later-borns always did. What's unusual about your two children is that they seem quite extreme in their sociability. Also, because you had some difficulty socialising, you're more anxious about them than is typical.

For the summer, be sure your daughter is enrolled in some group activities and camps so she's playing with friends part of the time. During her next school year, you may want to talk to her teacher about pairing her with some other girls for collaborative learning projects. Girl Scouts also provides an excellent opportunity for developing social skills, leadership and independence. While she should be encouraged to invite a friend over from time to time, emphasising social life too much will cause your daughter to feel like you're putting pressure on her. Your daughter would benefit from reading my book "See Jane Win(r) For Girls" (Free Spirit Publishing, 2003). It helps girls to understand differences in socialising.

Continue guiding your son to sensitivity, and set limits for his social life. He, too, needs some independence.

Also, avoid talking to adults within his presence about how popular he is. It's great that he seems to make friends easily, but let him know that the quantity of his friendships is less important than making good friends.

While you seem to be on the right path for guiding your children, avoid emphasising how different they are from each other, or they'll feel like they have no choice in their social skills.

Differences are natural in a family, but both will benefit from your guidance to be less extreme.

For free newsletters about developing social skills, "See Jane Win(r) for Girls," or peer influence, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin, 53094, USA or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Question: I'm a "Rimm Disciple" and have read your work. I'm having a hard time getting through to one of my gifted fifth-grade students who is a classic "Perfectionist Pearl." Her perfectionism has completely stifled her this year. Last year she was bubbly and achieved quite well in the classroom; however, this year she has become withdrawn and a big-time underachiever. How can I help her get back on track?

Answer: Perfectionists tend to feel overwhelmed in school when they discover for the first time that they can't get all A's or are not always sure what the right thing to do is.

They feel paralysed about writing a simple story as they search their minds for a perfect topic. Reassuring them that they don't have to be the best or that no one is the best in everything may help.

Explain that being first is only a temporary place because no matter how well you do something, someone, somewhere will eventually do it better. Help her to realise that mistakes are how we learn, and that if she isn't making mistakes, she is probably not sufficiently challenged. You can add that you value best effort more than best grades, and that hard workers are often surprised to find what they are capable of. You can help your student break down long-term projects into short-term or daily assignments, and you can teach her to brainstorm topics for stories or projects before criticizing her ideas.

There may be peer pressures that are paralysing your perfectionist as well. Around fifth grade is the time when peers may not think it's cool to be too studious or get all A's, and the pressure to be popular often surpasses the pressure to be perfect. My research on over 5,000 middle school students for my book "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005) found that popularity was students' most frequent worry.

To find out the place of popularity in her worries, you may want to ask how she feels about her friendships and being accepted by others. It's possible that your "Perfectionist Pearl" may also want to be perfectly popular, or may even believe she will be rejected by popular students if she studies and receives too many A's.

Parental pressure may also cause students to stop studying, and all too frequently, parents may not realise that children are feeling pressured.

For example, over-praise can result in impossible pressure when children feel like they won't live up to parental expectations.

If your student's underachievement doesn't improve, you could alert this girl's parents to the problem. They could take her to a psychologist before her underachievement becomes so dramatic that it becomes more difficult to reverse.

For free newsletters about perfectionism, growing up too fast for middle or high schoolers, or underachievement, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin, 53094, USA or read "What's Wrong With Perfect?" or "Growing Up Too Fast" at www.sylviarimm.com.