Christmas should be a special time but too often it can inflict bitter emotional wounds rather than leave happy memories.

Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) head Martha Pitman said the post-Christmas period is one of the busiest times for counsellors helping couples pick up the pieces of strained relationships.

She said: "Whether it's too much drinking or some infidelity, something has put a stress on the relationship."

It can mean couples need counselling or individual sessions.

But even families without underlying problems are prone to massive strain at Christmas. Often high expectations can lead to massive disappointment.

So instead of trying to create an idealised, as-seen-on-TV Christmas, she advises people to keep it simple and manageable.

"Life is messier than in the magazines and on television so it's really about creating good memories to take forward."

Adaptability is also vital said Mrs. Pitman: "We can control the way we respond to situations.

"What tends to get people into trouble is the way they put too much on their plate and they get overwhelmed so the joy factor disappears and it becomes all about getting through.

"Some people are so busy trying to create a perfect Christmas it no longer becomes a joyful event. It becomes drudgery and stress."

Over-reaching often leads to overspending which can then lead to more stress when the tinsel is packed away and the bills start landing on your doormat. So stick to your budget, you can't buy happiness.

And Mrs Pitman also says people should learn to say 'no' to friends and relatives as well as retailers if they want to avoid becoming overwhelmed which can in turn lead to resentment.

She advises people to prioritise and pair it down to the basics. "So when you are feeling overwhelmed you can eliminate some of the things that aren't so important.

"It's important to get help if you feel you can't cope, you are overwhelmed or stuck in some way.

"For those things you can control it's important to concentrate on activities that will bring happy memories, that bring pleasure while minimising the things that you don't enjoy so much."

For some Christmas is a wonderful time they look forward to, but for others it's a time that they dread.

"Some people find it very difficult to get through Christmas because they have had some type of trauma which happened then, so whenever Christmas comes around they relive that.

"Or they remember specific individuals who are no longer with them. It can be a very evocative time in terms of stirring up both good and bad."

Those who are reminded of dead loved ones are advised to acknowledge their grief and even allow themselves a cry or express their feelings.

And people without family can often feel particularly left out at Christmas.

"It's such a powerful time of year in terms of stimulating memories, people will remember much more the feelings they have around Christmas than specific gifts."

For some it should be a time of letting go, said Mrs. Pitman, and acknowledging that as time goes on traditions change and some are no longer realistic.

Moms often bear the most strain at Christmas, sometimes single-handedly, said Mrs Pitman.

"Usually a lot of responsibility lies on the mother to create the Christmas for the family. She is doing a lot of shopping for in-laws as well as their own family and children.

"Of course in Bermuda you have a lot of single mothers and it is particularly stressful on them.

"They are trying to juggle so much and then you layer on Christmas and it becomes pretty overwhelming.

"Some of them don't have families to lean on, that's what's so sad. They have to cope with children involved with extra activities at school, the extra expense and all the baking and cooking.

"So some Christmases have to be very modest because they don't have the support or means to do very much."

Again, she advises single moms to aim realistically at what can be done rather than reach for too much. It's a message that not just single moms should heed.

Dr. Philip Brownell, of Benedict Associates Ltd, is another counsellor who believes that it's best to tone down expectations in order to remove some of the burden of the Christmas holidays.

He said: "People would be a lot better off to simply let the holiday happen and ease back on the need to make it turn out perfect."

Tips for Surviving Christmas

EAP say the best way to survive Christmas without soaring stress levels is to forget striving to create the perfect holiday – just concentrate on what's important and achievable.

Food

* Cook simple recipes and make some cold dishes in advance. Don't be too proud to use pre-made meals.

* Save money on gift giving by changing the rules. Big families could just focus on gifts for children rather than everyone.

* Plan ahead with recipes to avoid time-wasting dashes to pick up vital missing ingredients which can involve long waits in supermarket queues.

* Always shop from a list and stick to it, impulse buys are often expensive mistakes that will drain your budget.

*Shop alone or on the internet <\!m> it will stop family members making an epic production of gathering groceries by pressuring you into spending more time and money than you had planned.

Chores

* Combine the things you like with the chores you dread <\!m> put on some music while house cleaning to make work flow quicker. Gift wrapping and backing can be a social event if done with friends.

*Take some time off work to get vital errands done, rather than pack everything in to weekends when the queues are huge.

*If you are hosting Christmas delegate chores to your partner and children <\!m> you can't be expected to handle everything yourself.

*Delegate a family member to look after the kids for a spell while the adults enjoy some peace

*Don't forget your exercise and sleep routines as they are vital for keeping you on top of things.

Relationships

*You don't have to send everyone you know a Christmas card. Try ringing some of those on the list for a personal touch.