Let’s face it: when it comes to relationships, trust is a vital piece that holds everything together. When it comes to finances, though, many couples find that this piece is subject to interpretation.

From a textbook perspective, the definition of financial infidelity is the act of lying or withholding information about financial matters within a relationship. The fact of the matter is no matter what you lie about – your debts, income, spending habits or where the money goes – your partner is likely to discover the truth eventually. And when they do, the fallout won’t be pretty.

Financial infidelity can often hurt more than an actual affair, and the anxiety and distrust it stirs up may never go away entirely, as spousal or partner suspicion will always linger.

So why do people do it?

• Lack of financial literacy: one significant contributor to financial infidelity is a lack of understanding of personal finance. Having too little knowledge about budgeting, investing and managing debt can lead people to either make rash decisions or hide the truth when they’re afraid of facing financial problems.

• Differing financial values: Couples often come from different financial backgrounds and therefore don’t share the same values regarding money. One partner may prioritise saving and security, whereas the other may prefer spending on experiences or material goods. These conflicting values can create tension and lead one partner to hide their financial decisions to avoid confrontation.

• Fear of conflict: discussions about money provoke anxiety for many. Some may resort to financial infidelity as a means of avoiding uncomfortable conversations. They may believe that it’s easier to avoid the conflict rather than deal with disagreements over spending habits or debt.

• Desire for control: financial independence is essential in a partnership, but it can sometimes lead to a power struggle. One partner may hide their financial decisions because they crave a greater sense of control over their personal finances, leading to secrecy and eventual betrayal.

• Emotional spending: in some cases, individuals engage in financial infidelity as a coping mechanism for emotional issues. Shopping sprees can serve as a brief escape from stress, anxiety or depression, making it tempting to hide these actions from a partner.

One of the most immediate and severe consequences of financial infidelity is the erosion of trust. Trust is a crucial foundation in any relationship, and once it is broken, rebuilding it is a daunting challenge. And even if it can be rebuilt, the foundation has changed.

When one partner discovers that the other has been dishonest about financial matters, feelings of betrayal and disappointment are common. The realisation that someone they love has hidden such essential aspects of their life can leave profound emotional scars. The trust issues that linger may go beyond finances, extending to other aspects of the relationship. This, in turn, can lead to both partners questioning one another’s honesty and commitment.

Furthermore, financial infidelity often creates significant emotional distress. The partner who has been deceived may experience a range of negative emotions, including anger, shame and anxiety. This emotional turmoil can lead to frequent arguments and a toxic atmosphere within the relationship.

As tensions rise, effective communication may break down, making it even more difficult to address the underlying issues. Unfortunately, this strain can sometimes escalate to the point that couples begin to consider separation or divorce, which further complicates the situation.

Another important consequence of financial infidelity is increased financial instability. When one partner hides debts or overspends without consulting the other, the couple’s overall financial health can rapidly deteriorate.

Hidden debts may go unnoticed until they reach unmanageable levels, resulting in collections, damaged credit scores or even bankruptcy. Such financial crises not only create stress and anxiety but also jeopardise the couple’s long-term financial goals, such as home ownership, saving for children's education or planning for retirement.

The aftermath of financial infidelity can leave both partners in a financially disastrous situation and having to scramble to forge a new path forward.

The long-term implications of financial infidelity can also be profound. Following the discovery of financial deception, couples who strive to recover often find themselves mired in ongoing resentment and distrust. The partner who engaged in the deceit may feel constantly scrutinised, while the deceived partner may struggle to fully forgive and move past the betrayal.

Lingering suspicion can create an environment of anxiety and frustration, making it challenging for either partner to feel secure and comfortable in the relationship.

One thing is certain: financial infidelity can lead to a significant shift in how partners view each other and their future. What was once a shared vision of a harmonious life together may become clouded by doubt and discord. Even after addressing the immediate issues, many couples grapple with lingering questions about compatibility, values and mutual respect. If the foundation of financial transparency has been shattered, the ability to work together as a team may be weakened, making future collaboration on financial matters increasingly difficult.

The question is: Can you move on from it?

Overcoming financial infidelity can feel like navigating through a tumultuous storm, but it is a journey worth embarking on if you want to restore trust and heal your relationship. The first step is having open and honest conversations. It’s crucial for both of you to sit down and talk about your financial situation, sharing any hidden debts and discussing spending habits that have caused a rift.

This may be uncomfortable but it is vital to create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment. It’s in these candid discussions that you can begin to truly understand each other.

As you delve into these conversations, take some time to explore what led to the financial deception in the first place. Was it stress about money, fear of judgment or a lack of communication? Understanding root causes can help both of you recognise patterns that may have contributed to the betrayal.

This exploration requires vulnerability and a willingness to listen deeply to one another. It may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a therapist or financial counsellor who can provide a neutral perspective and facilitate productive discussions.

Once you’ve addressed the past, it’s time to chart a new course together by establishing shared financial goals. Collaborating on budgeting, saving and spending plans can foster a sense of partnership.

Consider scheduling regular financial check-ins; this might be a monthly coffee chat where you both feel comfortable discussing your progress and setbacks. Recognising each other’s contributions and concerns in these meetings can dramatically enhance your connection.

Rebuilding trust will take time, and it’s essential to remain patient with yourself and each other. Commit to being transparent about financial decisions moving forward. Simple acts of honesty like sharing receipts or discussing any major purchases can go a long way towards reinforcing trust.

Remember, it’s about taking careful steps towards healing. As you navigate this journey together, slowly but surely, you may find yourselves emerging with not only a deeper understanding of your finances but also a renewed bond that is stronger than ever.

• Carla Seely has 24 years of experience in the international financial services, wealth management and insurance industries. During her career, she has obtained several investment licences through the Canadian Securities Institute. She holds the ACSI certification through the Chartered Institute for Securities and Investments (UK), the QAFP designation through FP Canada, and the AINS designation through The Institutes. She also holds a master’s degree in business and management