her.

She had just come out of the hospital two years ago after having her baby.

"It was a shock, no-one had ever hit me,'' she said, recalling the abusive relationship she recently left.

Ms Simmons was assaulted by her boyfriend on three separate occasions and wants women being abused, physically or mentally, to seek help.

The Royal Gazette talked to Ms Simmons and other women who were or still are in abusive relationships.

But the other women agreed to share their painful stories only under the condition that their names be changed to protect their privacy.

Recalling her first abusive encounter, Ms Simmons said: "After the fight, my son was upset. I had to wait for him to fall asleep then take him and my newborn and drive to Hamilton Police Station in the middle of the night.

"A Policewoman came with me and we evicted him out of the house.'' She said she later obtained a restraining order "which is a waste of time if the person is determined (to come after you)''.

Ms Simmons said she thought her troubles were over. But two more assaults followed.

In one, she claimed that her ex-boyfriend picked up their daughter and threw her. Luckily, Ms Simmons added, the girl landed on the bed.

When she heard he had found a new girlfriend, she said: "I thought to myself thank God, now he will leave me alone.'' But she said that did not happen.

He continued to harass her for more than a year after the relationship ended.

When that did not work, he took it a step further.

She said: "He tried to get to me through my daughter. He took me to court for access (to her), although he never supported her.'' Ending the cycle of abuse "He never spent any time with her,'' Ms Simmons added. "He was ordered by the court to take a paternity test which he said he would pay for, but when it came time to take it he never showed up.'' Ms Simmons said despite the fact her ex-boyfriend had served time in prison for grievous bodily harm against someone else in the past, he was not given time in prison. He was only ordered to pay a $1,800 fine.

When he later broke an order to stay away from Ms Simmons, she said Magistrate Edward King stated that he was working and had been through enough and therefore gave him a two-year suspended prison sentence.

At first she did not know where to go for help, Ms Simmons recalled. And she said the Police did not provide that information to her.

But Ms Simmons eventually turned to the Women's Resource Centre and the Physical Abuse Centre for assistance.

Both places encourage victims of domestic violence to seek their help which includes counselling and information on abuse.

WRC director Jo-Ann Curnow said women who come to the centre for help see their lawyer first if they need to seek protection from their abuser.

But she noted that a woman cannot obtain a restraining order unless she is married to the person or living with them. Otherwise she will have to get a registered letter.

According to information provided by the Centre there is no, "typical batterer''. They come from all different types of backgrounds, races, religions and walks of life and may be unemployed or highly paid.

Battering is not a mental illness, but a learned behaviour. Commonly the batterer was abused as a child or watched as their mother was abused.

This, said battered woman Louise, 35, is the reason she finally decided to leave her ten-year abusive relationship for good.

"I left many times during those years, but what woke me up was my child,'' she said. "I didn't want him to grow up in the same cycle. More to the point, I did not want him to grow up perpetrating the same actions against the women he dated.'' Louise said the relationship started when she was only 17 and that the abuse started in the first year of the relationship.

She admitted she was naive enough to make excuses for her boyfriend's behaviour.

"The first time he hit me I thought to myself that must have been a mistake, maybe I did deserve that,'' she recalled.

She also asked herself: "What happened? Is this guy who's been so sweet and loving that did this? "I didn't say anything to anyone. I was too ashamed,'' she added. "It's a form of control, but you don't even realise your being controlled.'' Louise said the abuse eventually led to her use of alcohol and cannabis.

"I started drinking and smoking to calm my nerves,'' she said. "I realised I shook a lot. You have a smoke to take you out of it. That's your way of escaping because you don't feel strong enough.'' But she said the best method she used -- and the one that worked -- was God.

"I know I said a lot of prayers,'' she stressed. "You have to get strong and pray to God.'' Louise said she would advise any woman in a abusive relationship not to keep it a secret. The only way to become free from guilt is to tell people, she noted.

"Perfect love cast out fear. If you fear a person, you can't truly love them,'' she said, adding that more rallies against violence like the one held at City Hall were needed.

Pamela, 25, a young professional, was with her abusive boyfriend for nearly five years before she found the strength to leave him.

"We got involved young,'' she said. "It started out normal, I guess. We were the perfect couple on the surface, but there were little red flags that I wasn't aware of because of the fact I was young.

"Like his anger and the level of reaction to minor things wasn't normal. But it was not directed at me so I let it slide. He would tell me that he didn't have a problem, that he would only hit me if I kept pushing him.'' She said despite the fact that she stayed, she knew what he was doing to her was wrong.

And she defended herself, which caused the abuse to escalate.

"Because I was getting hit I was making off,'' she explained, "and because I was making off he was hitting me more.'' Pamela stressed that attitudes in Bermuda had to change concerning domestic violence.

The thought that a woman must "like getting hit'' was not accurate, she said.

She also said mental abuse can be ten times worse than physical abuse.

And she pointed out that going through the ordeal of abuse causes one to become a different person.

"I became a liar trying to explain where the bruises came from, making excuses,'' she said. "You get angry at the people trying to help you. But you can honestly love someone who treats you bad.'' Pamela, however, noted that her experience has made her a stronger person. And she stressed, like the other women interviewed, that she will never let another man have that kind of control over her again.

She also said women have to create a strong foundation for their children, especially women raising girls. And they needed to be more open about it.

"That (the abuse) is his shame,'' she said. "It's his problem. Give it back to him by telling people and leave. Because what it comes down to is self love.'' STANDING STRONG -- Jennifer Simmons I KEEP THINKING I CAN CHANGE HIM' `I keep thinking I can change him' Victims of domestic violence interviewed by The Royal Gazette had the following to say about their abusive relationships: Rhonda, 19, a student who is still in an abusive relationship: "I know he loves me. The only time he hits me is when I do something I know I shouldn't be doing. We've been going out since I was 14 years old. He was the guy I lost it to. The first time he hit me was when he found out I cheated on him I deserved that. I don't deserve it every time...But...sometimes ... That's his only fault though.'' Jennifer Simmons, 40: "Men like this call what they do love, but it is not love. It is an obsession and a need to control people. For someone to say that is his only fault? That's a major fault. Murderers have that one fault, don't they? Women have to love themselves enough to know they deserve better.'' Lauren, 21, a mother of one: "He is so angry I don't understand it. I can't believe I'm in this, really. I used to look at girls who were in these relationships and call them dumb. Now I'm in one myself. I told him he needs help, but he says there's nothing wrong with him, I have the problem. I love him, but I'm getting tired of this s***.

I keep thinking that I can change him. I know I have to get away from him before he kills me or something, but it's hard. I don't have anywhere else to stay, but this isn't good for my child.'' Pamela, 25, a working professional: "Abuse begins when a person who lacks control becomes out of control in order to gain it back. Men who hit think women should know their place. He used to say it was me, that I was too strong a woman, too outspoken, that he didn't have a problem.'' Michelle, 32, a mother of three: "He would tell me that if I tried to leave, he would kill me and our children. I was in total fear for my life, afraid for my children. He was beating the crap out of me with man blows. So in my mind I didn't think he would have a problem taking my life. Up until this day I have no idea how a man I loved, a man who said he loved me, could treat that way.'' Louise, 35, a working mother of one: "You never know when it's going to come. But it's usually when you least expect it. Everything is going fine and then bam. You never stop blaming yourself. You blame yourself when he hits you, you blame yourself for staying so long, that's the hurting part.''