This week’s topic originates from a reader who reached out for advice on a common yet delicate issue: how to approach the subject of money with a partner who tends to become defensive and argumentative.

It is a pertinent question, and I confess to having experienced a similar prickliness myself when my husband decides to comment on what he terms my “spending habits”.

The reality for most couples is that financial conversations are treated much like the smoke detector battery, only addressed when it starts chirping.

A surprise credit-card purchase or a disagreement over a significant outlay are the typical triggers. These moments, however, happen at the worst possible time, and often occur under duress, with the blame game already in full swing.

An argument may begin over a specific item but can rapidly escalate into a heated confrontation. The dreaded “tit for tat” ensues: wage disparities are weaponised, and a random incident from years past is dredged up, purely to stoke the flames of the dispute.

This scenario is undoubtedly familiar; it has happened to most of us at some point. For me, however, the pattern changed two decades ago when my husband and I instituted the practice of having regular “money dates”.

The money date offers a fundamentally different model. It is a regular, pre-scheduled conversation about finances, treated with the same gravity as a doctor’s appointment or a cherished date night.

Its primary purpose is to ensure that financial discussions do not have to wait for a crisis to occur. Crucially, calling it a “date” rather than a “meeting” signals a shift in perspective; it reframes the conversation as an act of partnership and mutual care, rather than a performance review or an audit.

A money date does not need to be a complicated affair, nor should it resemble a quarterly board meeting. The most effective versions are typically short, recurring, and predictable.

For couples managing a dynamic budget or navigating a recent major life change such as having a child or buying a home, a monthly rhythm often works best.

The agenda usually blends the mechanical with the aspirational. On the mechanical side, couples might review recent spending, check progress towards savings goals, confirm that bills are paid and accounts are reconciled, and flag any upcoming irregular expenses like insurance premiums or holiday travel.

However, it is the aspirational side that often holds the most value. Here, the conversation shifts towards bigger questions: are we on track for the house, the trip, the early retirement, or the emergency fund we said we wanted?

Is our spending still a true reflection of what we actually care about, or has it quietly drifted away from our core values?

This is where couples can rediscover their shared vision. For instance, a couple might realise they have been spending heavily on takeaway, not because either of them particularly loves it, but because they have both been too exhausted to plan meals.

Identifying the root cause of a lack of energy and planning is far more constructive than merely noting the expense and assigning blame. Money dates work best when they allow room for this kind of honest, sometimes uncomfortable, reflection, rather than functioning purely as a numerical review.

The precise structure of a money date is less important than the tone in which it is conducted. Conversations that devolve into interrogations, where one partner cross-examines the other about a specific purchase, are counterproductive; they breed defensiveness and secrecy.

A more effective approach positions the couple as two people on the same team, collaboratively examining the same set of facts. This is not about one person auditing the other, but about both partners working together to steer their shared financial ship.

Timing is another critical factor. Scheduling a money date late at night after a long, draining day, when both partners are tired and potentially short-tempered, is a recipe for disaster, regardless of good intentions.

Many couples find that conducting these conversations during a calmer window makes a significant difference. A Sunday morning coffee, paired with a low-key brunch, or a quiet dinner out, can provide a relaxed atmosphere that facilitates a more constructive and amicable exchange.

The genuine value of a money date is not found in any single conversation. Its true power lies in the cumulative effect of having dozens of them over the course of a relationship.

Couples who check in regularly tend to catch small problems while they are still small: a subscription service that is quietly draining funds each month, a savings goal that has slipped off the radar, or a subtle shift in spending patterns that one partner has noticed but the other has not.

This consistent dialogue also fosters more collaborative decision-making on larger financial matters. When both individuals are already in the habit of discussing money openly, it feels less like broaching a taboo subject and more like a routine part of their shared life.

Over time, this regular practice can profoundly shift the emotional weight that money carries in a relationship, transforming it from a source of tension that is actively avoided into a shared project that both partners manage together.

It is important to stress that none of this requires professional financial expertise. A money date does not demand that either partner be a finance expert, nor does it necessitate elaborate spreadsheets or formal training.

What it does require is consistency, a willingness to be honest about both the numbers and the feelings that underlie them, and a shared understanding that the ultimate goal is not to assign blame but to build a secure and fulfilling future together.

For couples willing to schedule this date and commit to showing up for it, the money date can quietly evolve into one of the most vital and rewarding habits in their relationship.

• Carla Seely is the chief operating officer at Freisenbruch Insurance Services Ltd and has 26 years of experience in international financial services, wealth management, and insurance. During her career, she has obtained several investment licences through the Canadian Securities Institute. She holds the ACSI qualification through the Chartered Institute for Securities and Investments (UK), the Qualified Associate Financial Planner (QAFP) designation through FP Canada, and the Associate in Insurance (AINS) designation through The Institutes. She also completed a Master's Degree in Business and Management through the University of Essex

• For further inquiries or suggested topics, e-mail: justaskcarla@outlook.com