I returned to Bermuda this week, to face the many branches of the Spanish Inquisition at the airport.

First, as a guest worker, I had to fill out the pink form. Bermudians don't have to. The only reason I can think of for this is that Government must be including returning guest workers in the arrival statistics, to mask the ongoing collapse of the tourism sector. Why else would a legally-registered resident have to fill in a tourist form? If you work in Government and want to explain it, I'm all ears (crombie@northrock.bm) and would be happy to pass it on.

The Immigration Officer noticed that my work permit runs out next week. "Are you going to get another one?" she asked, with a sly grin. I dunno, innit.

I was anticipating a warm welcome at Customs, following the recent publication in RG Magazine of an article of mine, horribly insulting the Customs service. For a year now, instead of "Welcome back, Mr. Crombie," and off to the taxis, I have routinely been sent to secondary inspection. The reason was that Customs had been practising profiling. I have a ponytail, which obviously makes me guilty.

On my previous appearance in the secondary search area, I complained about the business of profiling to a senior Customs official who appeared after I made a fuss about the unnecessary search to which I was being subjected. In Bermuda, of all places, punishing people solely because of the way they look should be anathema. I am sad to report that Customs is no longer profiling people. Now, if you're a Bermuda resident, or a person coming to see a Bermuda resident, or an unlucky tourist selected at random, into the secondary search area you go and good luck. Hardly anyone now escapes uninvestigated.

Those of us coming in from London were lucky in one regard: the plane was only half full, so the delay at Customs was relatively short. It was 40 minutes in my case, since I was off the plane and into Customs early. As I left, I saw a long line, mostly of locals, stretching all the way back to the baggage area, waiting for their turn to be examined.

The reason behind all this, presumably, is the easy availability of guns and drugs in Bermuda. That means Customs isn't doing its job. It has taken to investigating all Bermuda travellers in the hope of finding a gun or a packet of drugs, presumably. I counted 20 Customs officials in the search area on Wednesday evening — including a good number of officers just standing around making jokes — plus who knows how many more behind the one-way glass. Clearly, budgetary restraints in these straitened times mean nothing where the possibility of an undeclared packet of biscuits is concerned.

Knowing I was for the high jump made no difference to my behaviour. I made a point of declaring everything I'd bought, and a few things I hadn't. To my astonishment, my declared purchases of several hundred dollars attracted less than $20 of duty. I begged to pay more, but the lady wouldn't let me. So it was with a heavy heart that I approached the secondary search area. That little duty paid after four weeks away could only mean trouble.

On top of that, I had an almost empty suitcase. Since I'm going to be chucked out sooner or later, I bring almost nothing to Bermuda these days. I had filled the suitcase with a giant bag of used bubble wrap (which I declared), so that it would suffer less of a bruising in the baggage hold.

To be fair, I should say that the young Customs officer who went through my bubble wrap and other possessions with such fervour was entirely pleasant and most helpful. He carried out his pointless and alienating work professionally, as if that made any difference. He too had long hair, arranged in corn rows, which I found deeply amusing. That style is mostly worn by those who are, shall we say, down by law. Yet this uniformed officer is the law. He's The Man, whatever he may think of himself when he gets home. And a very nice Man he was too.

Bermuda Customs, as we all know, is a catastrophe. Drugs and guns are everywhere, and ordinary people spend hours at the airport for no good reason, as if that would help. I know only that it's not going to change for the better any time soon.

The drugs and gun brigade must be laughing their bottoms off. They go about becoming drugged and shooting people largely without official sanction, while the law-abiding among us face harassment and delay.

While I'm at it, I must comment on a Customs rip-off that is not Bermuda's fault. A fellow of my acquaintance, visiting from London, went into the duty-free shop at Gatwick on his way here and asked how many cigarettes he was allowed to buy and take into Bermuda. He was told 400.

The brand he smokes is only sold at the duty-free shop in packets of 400. On arrival, even though he is a tourist on vacation, staying at one of the Island's finest hotels, he too was processed through the secondary search area, where 200 of his 400 cigarettes were confiscated.

This is not Bermuda's fault, but it stinks to high heaven. Here is a willing customer of Bermuda, being set up and shot down by the system. I don't suppose he or any of his friends will ever come to Bermuda again. How does that help anyone, other than the rip-off merchants at the duty-free shop and the Customs officers who are now smoking his cigarettes?