Question: I'm the mother of a second grader and live in an affluent suburb. My daughter goes to a Catholic school, is an excellent student, is liked and respected by the teachers, and is even quite pretty. She has a good circle of friends, but has been mentioning that the so-called "popular" girls label her and her buddies "unpopular" and tease them. Those girls are outgoing, and academically they don't do as well as my daughter does. I worry, but I feel like this is very silly, and my husband thinks I'm out of line to be concerned about this popularity issue. My daughter says that what those girls say doesn't bother her. I think she is handling the situation better than I am. I wonder about the situation particularly because my daughter's interracial. She and her friends are quieter than the other girls, and none of them are troublemakers. I'm the one who needs advice regarding how to deal with this kind of negative opinion about my daughter. I know peer pressures will be harder as she gets older. For the sake of my daughter, I don't want to be an overreacting mom. I'd appreciate it very much if you could give me some advice on how to handle my worries.

Reply: My book "Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report On the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers" (Rodale, 2005) includes research based on a survey of over 5,000 middle grade students. I found that popularity, tied only with fear of terrorism, is children's greatest worry. My study started in third grade, but it doesn't surprise me at all that second graders are already discussing the issue. It's good that your daughter isn't worried about it, and that she's a happy person, a good student and has nice friends. When kids tell her she's not popular, she can shoot back and say to them that she'd rather be a nice person than popular. Then she can leave the group. That should deflate her competitors. Sometimes popular kids are also nice, but if this group is categorizing your daughter and her friends as unpopular, they're not nice. Your daughter needs most to hear that you don't consider popularity important so she feels supported. Emphasise the values that will last her a lifetime, like honesty, good friendship, kindness, perseverance, being interesting, a good student and fun loving. The benefit of not having to worry about popularity is that it may help her avoid the popular drinking and drug parties in her teen years. It's understandable that as the parent of a biracial child you may be concerned that others won't appreciate her. However, she already has good friends, which should assure you that your daughter isn't being isolated because of racial prejudice. It's more likely her good grades are causing some jealousy on the part of the girls with lower grades.