Question: How can you tell if a child is just using the saying that "I'll never be good enough for you"?

Answer: Most parents have heard those words from at least one child in the family. They may hear it in anger or tears directed at them, or similar anger and sadness directed at the child's other parent and vocalised to them. If the child is a hard-working, high-achieving child, it may be the voice of too much pressure or too high parental expectations. On the other hand, if children are underachievers and are avoiding effort, it's more likely to be manipulation. The fact that children may be manipulating one parent to back off or one parent to side with them against the other, doesn't mean they're not feeling pressure.

Telling them how brilliant they are or denying that they feel pressured won't help either their work ethic or the pressure. Your best parental message to give is that you expect good effort and truly hard work, and if both are forthcoming, they can be assured they will fulfill your expectations.

It is possible that underachievers don't understand what work actually means or how to study or that their efforts feel like great efforts to them. Most likely, they fear that even if they put forth effort, they wouldn't be successful. Thus, they make excuses, blame others and avoid the risk of feeling dumb. With the emphasis on a good work ethic and strategies to help them to identify what that actually means, they could find out that hard work really does pay off. When kids are unhappy with themselves, they often blame their parents.

Question: How do I get my eighth-grade son (an only child) to give his schoolwork some effort? He seems lazy with a lot of things. He's very focused on social things like texting. He never completes things to the best of his abilities.

Answer: Only children often learn to be hard workers, but sometimes, by reason of their having been "onlies", parents do so much for them that they don't learn motivation. I don't mean to say that you did too much for your son, because I don't really know if that's the case. You can, however, understand that children with a sibling or two just can't get all the attention and help that an only child attracts.

To get your son motivated, he needs to become involved with some real work projects with you and/or his dad. Spicing the hard work with humour and insisting on his perseverance will go a long way toward encouraging him to discover he can be a hard worker. Engaging in a sport or music can also often teach him about hanging in there when activities become challenging.

Once he's learned perseverance in one area, you can explain how critical the same stick-to-itiveness is crucial for his schoolwork. You'll want to remind him that if he works hard in school, he's likely to have a more interesting career for the rest of his life. If he's a school goof-off, he's likely to drop out of school or not make it to college, which will restrict him from many interesting careers for the rest of his life.

Often, teen boys listen to these messages better from their dads than moms, so be sure you're together in making your educational priorities clear. Male mentors like sports coaches or music directors can also be helpful.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimmsylviarimm.com.