Every time you judge someone you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing – Letters of Gratitude

We are now a year and a half into the pandemic and it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off a subject that I have been avoiding writing about.

Last week I wrote about personal healing. What follows today is some tough love regarding healing a relationship with another person.

The key thing to keep in mind is that creating true healing between two people is not like healing yourself, in that you cannot do it on your own.

Healing between two people is a “coming together” you decide to create in each other’s awareness, and it requires equal and active participation of both people in order to succeed.

This is simple enough when things are going well, and your created space quickly becomes a tranquil garden that you tend together, a place where you plant flowers to surprise and delight each other, and a place that you trust each other to take care of when the other one is not around.

But what happens when the two people are not equally vested in building, let alone maintaining, this sacred space?

The healing never really takes place.

Yes, we might pretend that things are fine and put on a brave face, but deep inside the pain just never goes away.

After all, how can the healing truly ever take place if the more vested person is continually trying to compensate for the inattention of the “not vested” party and the less interested person is busy recoiling in an effort to protect themselves from feeling pain?

And even if you do manage to temporarily establish a “safe space” in the relationship, even the smallest harsh word or misunderstanding can cause the walls to collapse without warning, leading to frustration, tension, and confusion on both sides.

The truth is, healing between two people requires nothing short of a mental rebirth in which you both permanently lay aside your protective armour and begin to actually trust each other no matter what.

Tempting as it might be half measures just won’t do, no matter how convincingly you try to rationalise them to yourself.

Any time you behave selfishly, or judge another person, or hold a grudge, or fail to care, or imagine you are superior, you are tearing down the walls of the very thing you are trying to build.

You may think you are “setting boundaries” but you are not.

When words are your weapon, the only thing you are really dictating is how thick the walls of the dungeon you are constructing around yourself are going to be.

Healing relationships is a difficult task.

It demands commitment and perseverance. It also demands that the occasional bump in the road is brushed aside quickly and not allowed to fester.

It probably also requires both parties to disregard comments or “advice” from third parties, who may, for reasons best known to themselves, not want the healing to work out.

Healing can only succeed when the primary parties work it alone.

Which begs the question, would you rather be caught in an endless loop of pain and suffering, wondering why your relationships always work out the same way, or are you finally ready to lay down your sword so that the healing can actually begin?